Daughter of Eve

I had a killer weekend and am still trying to recover …it was the usual mix of dinner drinks and dancing. But something happened this weekend which was definitely not the norm. I met a man, not just any man, a man that looked like God whittled him out of a giant piece of Cadburys dairy milk chocolate, a man that was so fine that he looked almost edible.  Now normally I don’t really go for really dark chocolate – prefer a little hint of Caramel but dang ..I am converted and he has made a believer out of me! This man was what the West Africans call “Black and Shine”

So on Friday T Nasty and some of my French mates went to a club in central London for drinks and a boogie, the music was good  and the crowd was friendly –the only thing that was wrong was that the DJ was playing the music quite low- back ground music low.  Had i been in a wine bar I wouldn’t have minded but i was in a club and wanted to hear the bass. So we walked over to the DJ booth and asked him to turn it up. He explained that the management of the club prefer not to play the music loud until just after 11 and bearing in mind that i wanted to get the last train home at midnight that wouldn’t have given us much boogie time! So we had a word with the manager and the DJ turned it up. So we boogied away and just before it was time to leave the DJ wrapped up his set –another guy took over and he disappeared. Now one of the things that i do on the regular is  organise networking events and I  also throw themed parties for the masses and so I am always on the look out for a good DJ . During the course of the evening I made a mental note to get the DJ’s card before I left to go home.  By the time I got my stuff together I realised that the DJ was gone but I gleaned from one of the podium dancer chicks that his name is “Idris” and that she did not have his number but knows that he is on Facebook.  So I made a mental note of his name a surname and that was that.  On my way out of the club who do T Nasty and I bump into but Mr sexy himself..we got to talking ..he is quite witty and very well spoken and one thing led to another and we ended up going to the train station together. We actually hit it off and he was gentlemanly enough to wait with me until my train came- gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and asked me to get in touch ( we did not have enough time to exchange numbers ) but during our conversation  I learnt that he is a stockbroker who Dj’s for fun! He is well travelled and is off to Rio for the Carnival in 2 weeks then he is going to Sri Lanka then the Maldives over the Easter holidays. ( I did not ask with who)

My dilemma is this …the brother possesses fineness of Morris Chestnut proportions – not that I have low self esteem but dang a brother that fine can = DRAMA ( I dated a model once and when we went out if he went to the bar to buy drinks – women used to try accost him or even buy him free drinks to try get close)

He is a DJ – in my books that is a job that is synonymous with HO!  (again just telling it like it is –in fact DJ’s are up there with musicians, footballers and bouncers again maybe I am insecure I would like to think I am realistic)

He is Globe trotting non stop by the sounds of it and as someone who works in Finance I know that he is probably working some long ass hours and between the job, the music, and his travels I don’t know where/ if I would fit in ( i know i am jumping the gun but a girl has gotta think about the future..its like a relationship risk assessment)

On the other hand .. he is fine ! Did I mention that before? As superficial as it sounds it’s just refreshing to meet a well groomed, smart looking , polite black man (ESPECIALLY IN LONDON)

He seemed like really good company ! We hit it off straight away and he did the whole gentlemanly I will walk you to your train and wait till you get on safely etc (not bad for a brother that I had known for less than 15 mins)

He seems adventurous which I like and also he seemed genuinely wary when we approached him and started talking to him and he did not give off that womaniser- smooth talking-fast living- vibe (not that my intuition is always right)

The long and the short of it is that he asked me to get in touch and said that the found me interesting to talk to and witty (there was a definite spark)….the whole thing ended with a kiss on  the cheek and a hug as I got onto my train and I have not bothered to contact him since.

I guess the dilemma is should I??

Hey peeps !

It’s been a hot minute and life has been HECTIC. Firstly happy new year  ( delayed reaction I know) secondly I hope that 2010 is being kind to you so far. I did not make any sweeping resolutions this year all I want is just to be a little kinder to myself and work as hard as possible to achieve the things that I desire.  I am setting up a business at the moment and hope and pray that it all works out as I really want to pack in my job and be self employed by June.  It’s going to be a long hard slog but I am focusing all my energy on launching in March and going full steam ahead.  Two things struck me recently. The first is that hardly anyone, in fact no one I know had a good 2009. Sure there were high points but all in all it was a pretty crappy year. The second is that most of the people in my friends circle are making huge leaps forward this year whether it is going back to uni to get their masters, getting hitched, to progressing in their jobs. 2010 seems to be the year for bigger things. My motto for the year is GO HARD OR GO HOME. Ladies and gentlemen I am done with mediocre. Part of being kinder to myself is taking care of my body, I am on a diet and have lost 10kg in two weeks on the Cambridge diet (not for the faint hearted) but I aim to shift the pounds and feel better about the way I look and feel. I also decided to do a full body MOT, so yesterday I decided to pay a visit to the fanny clinic to make sure that I don’t have any coughs and colds and sneezes or dangerous diseases.

For the record I HATE going to GUM clinic (Genito Urinary Medicine) whenever I go I feel guilty and sorta dirty just for being there. I guess it’s something to do with the fact that you know that everyone there including yourself is there because of some kind or problem/issue/test that needs to be done because of something that is going on/or has gone in to their nether regions :-)

To make matters worse sometimes you see some really hot looking dudes in there and its sooooooo not the place to pull.  No one speaks to anyone else and you all sit there in the waiting room starting at the floor in silent contemplation of what lies ahead.  So I went in and the waiting room had the usual mish mash of gay people, women of various ages and sheepish looking men. I sat down and waited for my name to be called- the whole time I was praying “ dear God, please can everything be ok, please make me healthy lord and please can I not have a black doctor/nurse”

For the record I am black and being based in Britain I KNOW that a large percentage of the black hospital staff are Zimbabweans/ West Africans and the last thing I want is to have someone in my community digging around my nether regions and then potentially having a good old gossip about me with their mates.  Trust me nurses gossip about shit they come across, I used to be one so I KNOW. Also I have found that the white male gay nurses are just more sympathetic – sorry ya’ll its true!

Ok so they called my name and I went in to see my 50 year old, Somalian, male Gynaecologist :

(Why are most Gynae’s male? I cannot imagine anything more off putting for a man!  Also what is proper pussy etiquette for such occasions do you wax? Trim? Just go with the flow? I heard a story about a lady who had a quick wash to freshen up before her appointment and accidentally used a towel that her kids had used to wipe some glitter. She did not realise that anything was amiss until the doc commented that “she had certainly gone through alot of trouble “for her visit. She was clueless until she got home later that evening and was changing for bed and finally saw what he was talking about – at that stage I would have died of embarrassment!!!!)

ANYWAY

Doc “what seems to be the problem?”

Me : “no problem I just wanted to get full screening for everything including HIV”

Doc: “ HIV? Where are you from ?”  Now I hate this frigging question because you know as soon as you say Zimbabwe they are thinking about infection rates and although he did not say anything he may as well have shouted “YOU’RE DOOMED!!” at the top of his voice

Doc:   “When was the last time you had unprotected sex?”  I told him. Again my reply made me feel like immediately justifying myself I wanted to hastily add “ I was in a loving committed long term relationship we had both been tested and were really careful and I am not a skanky ho honest- cross my heart and hope to die. Ok not DIE but you know what I mean”

Doc: “What country was your partner from?” again I told him and again he had that “YOU’RE DOOMED” look in his eyes

Then he asked a few other questions and sent me on my merry way to give blood, pee and get my finger pricked for the rapid result test.  He did not even ask to have a look at my bits to check if everything was “Kosher”  I almost wanted to say – “aren’t you going to check my bits out ?” but on second thoughts I just left it because honestly I HATE that part  especially when they are doing a smear test and tell you to relax. RELAX !! RELAX!! How the f*ck do you relax when it feels like you are being sawn in half from the inside out with a blunt object? Also I did not want him to think I was some kind of freak who gets her jollies by getting her Chocolate Box ogled by strangers and having been groped by a male Jamaican doctor at the breast clinic I was not going to take any chances with this guy.

The guy who did my AIDS test was a gay white dude who was so lovely and reassuring I almost gave him a hug and I can happily say I am NEGATIVE.  From the second he took my blood a whole multitude of thoughts swam around in my head. I thought about how fickle life can be. You want a man, you get a man and he may be great or he could screw you over, then you spend ages trying to get a new man who may be great or he could beat you, lie, cheat ,manipulate you etc. You want marriage, some people who are married are having a great time others hate it and feel trapped. You want sex, can’t get sex, finally have sex which may be great or may be shit. Then talk to all your friends about having this great/mediocre/shitty sex whilst giving yourself a silent pat on the back for finally getting laid. Then one day you find yourself sitting in the fanny clinic chiding yourself for meeting a guy, falling in love getting married, falling out of love, getting over it, pining meeting a new guy and having sex and having the audacity to pat yourself on the back for it.  And now I am sitting here asking myself why DID I HAVE SEX??

Anyhow crisis averted, I am just waiting for my blood results to ensure that I don’t have Syphilis, Herpes, Gonorrhoea, Chlamydia, necrotizing fasciitis, a mutating form of the Bubonic plague or any other nasties.  As traumatic as it was, peeps if you have not done so get tested !!  It’s worth knowing so you can deal with it and move on- I know alot of HIV positive people my age (under 30 ) and scary as it may be you can’t run away from it. Life could be worse…just look at what happened in Haiti!

The weather in London is CRAP today! Its raining bucket loads and all week on telly and in the papers they have been banging on about how this weekend is going to go down in the record books for the most rainfall.  I went out with the girls last night and had a great time - Half price drinks, me and my girls and guys good music and on the plus side i managed to catch the last tube home so it was a nice cheap and cheerful Friday.

I also managed to speak to The Boy yesterday and it is well and truly over between us. I guess there were just some things that I could not overlook.  I feel awful, I guess after being single for so long I thought that I had found someone that I could possibly have some kind of future with but alas its just not to be. If anything I have discovered that I am less willing to compromise my happiness than I would have been in the past.  I used to be a bit of a walkover.  That having been said  I think he is a genuinely lovely person and really funny and  I hope that we can maintain our friendship. I guess we tested the waters and decided  that it was not meant to be. I am actually relieved that we spoke as I had a horrible week because I could not help fretting and as a result I was not really able to sleep. I am one of those people who can’t go to bed angry or with unresolved issues. This  week without rhyme or reason he went incognito for 5 days no emails or texts NADA.  He contacted me yesterday I could’nt  mask my disappointment.  Call me needy but I just don’t think this is normal behaviour for someone who you are supposed to be in a relationship with especially since I had a really nasty fall (I fell down a flight of stairs) last week.  Anyway I am not blaming him as he has alot on his plate, I just need a bit more consistency and when it boils down to I think its a compatibility issue.  Although we spoke I cant help feeling desperately guilty even though he froze me out and refused to see me and did not speak to me for days..there is still that small part of me that feels like its my fault?? Weird or what? Anyways I feel alot more peaceful today and treated myself to a duvet day! The lack of sleep took  its toll on me and I am knackered.

My girl VimfromZim tagged me in this and so here goes…

I have just been tagged Here are the rules:

1. You can only use one word!

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Survey

1. Where is your cell phone?

Sofa 2. Your hair? Mohawk

3. Your mother? Survivor

4. Your father? Hero

5. Your favorite food? Italian

6. Your dream last night? None (I did not dream it was more like an alcohol induced coma)

7. Your favorite drink? Gin

8. Your dream/goal? Success

9. What room are you in? Lounge

10. Your hobby? Writing

11. Your fear? Death

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Re-married with Kids

13. Where were you last night? Bar APT

14. Something that you aren’t? Patient

15. Muffins? Blueberry

16. Wish list item? New Books

17. Where did you grow up? Harare

18. Last thing you did? Eat dinner

19. What are you wearing? T shirt ,Knickers and pink fluffy slippers (Hey dont judge! Its a Duvet day!!)

20. Your TV? CSI

21. Your pets? I have a ” pet” rabbit God bless Anne Summers

22. Friends? Motivators

23. Your life? On the brink of a breakthrough

24. Your mood? So laid back I am almost parallel to the floor

25. Missing someone? The BOY

26. Vehicle? I am a public transport wench and don’t have a license

27. Something you’re not wearing? Trousers

28. Your favorite store? Ikea

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? About 2 hrs ago whilst reminiscing on the phone with Dlicious abt Last nights shenanigans. (lets just say I was pulled into a drunk white dude sandwich dance last night- I was the filling and it got UGLY *shudders*)

31. Last time you cried? Two weeks ago

32. Your best friend? Co-conspirator

33. One place that I go to over and over? Dim Sum restaurant near work

34. One person who e-mails me regularly? T Nasty

35. Favorite place to eat? Dim Sum restaurant near work

I would like to nominate……………drum roll please….

My girls, Pretty Poet, Freerangetomato, atasteofangelcake, Peasontoast

There are loads of others but they have all been tagged already.

Enjoy your weekends wherever you are.

This is a public service announcement !

Ladies beware of the Married man-ho. This despicable breed of man is lurking in bars, pubs and clubs, offices and all modes of public transport and is just waiting to Get You!

Since I got my swagger back I have noticed that I am getting chatted up more and more by married men. Maybe it’s because I am older and I look like I may be susceptible to their charms because I don’t have a ring on my finger and my biological clock is ticking away furiously. Maybe it’s because I am much more confident these days and guys find confidence sexy (apparently) I personally think it’s because I am cute LOL but then again I am biased but seriously what the hell is up with all the married me trying to holla at women like they have no responsibilities (and families) at all!

I like to people watch and one of the games I like to play on the tube is “is he/she or is’nt he /she” I tend to look at people and wonder stuff like :

Is he/she married? ( often answered by a discreet glance at the ring finger)

Do you think he/she is happily married?

What do you think his wife looks like?

Does he/she look like a good /kind/gentle husband etc

Does he/she go to the gym?

So this morning I got on my regular train and did a quick visual sweep of train , the usual, students, Polish workmen, businessmen and women, the odd couple here and there and one middle aged married black man looking quite smart in a suit. There was no one that piqued my interest so read my free paper and literally drifted into my own world till I got to my stop. Then I got off the train this dude slows down and matches my stride and goes “hi” I looked at him and again did a quick visual sweep of this person who had the audacity to try talk to me first thing on this cold frosty morning. It was the married black dude from my train carriage and as he tried to make small talk I noticed straight away that he had taken his gold ring off ( I am a sucker for detail and have a really good memory) and dared to stand before me smiling like a fool, laying down his “A” game in the middle of Bank tube station totally unashamed. I swear I wanted to Jackie Chan his ringless ass! But I replied coldly and walked off.

Why do men do this SHIT? When we went out over the weekend I swear HALF of the men in that bar were married. When I walk down the road probably half of the men that leer at me a go “kssss! Kssssss! Hey baby how you doing!” ARE MARRIED. These men make me sick to my core, if you in an unhappy marriage then man up do the right thing end it properly and move on. I hate this cowardly and greedy attitude that people tend to have that leads them to cheat do shit on the down low! I never told you to get married and I am not that type of girl that messes around with married man-ho’s. The next married MoFo that tries to holla at me better watch out. Because my anger if fully charged and my tongue is licensed to CORRECT a Brotha!

KMT!!!! (kissing my teeth!!)

The past 10 days have been kind of mad.  Last weekend was AMAZING because I got to see the love of my life, future baby daddy, sexiest man alive general hunk of burning love aka MAXWELL!!  I went to his first London concert in 11 years with a few mates and I must say the man did not disappoint.  The man has some SERIOUS sex appeal and there were some women sitting in the row behind me who were having mini orgasms every time he gyrated – the fact that he did some risqué moves that involved grinding the stage did not help and in one of the vids I took the singing is drowned out by the heifer behind me groaning and moaning LOUDLY!!  I was not sure whether to give her a drink of water to cool her down or a slap for distracting me from the deliciousness that was taking place on stage!!!!  My friends and I knew every word to every song and when his security people were distracted I made my way  towards the stage ninja style and  got some great pics. The ticket was a bday prezzie from Dlicioius ( great seats about 8 rows from the stage)  and was probably the BEST present ever check out some highlights below:

The next couple of days after the concert were a mega downer as I was really ill with a bad cold  and just when I was feeling better last Thursday I fell down a flight of stairs at the train station (the shame of it all) and ended up being out of action for a few days. I felt better shungu and went out on Sat with my sis (who is here on business from Shanghai) and a few girlfriends and we ended up in Steam bar at the Hilton hotel in Paddington.

 I had never been but a Nigerian mate of mine had mentioned it in passing and so after dinner and bar hopping we ended  up there.  Its always funny observing mating rituals clubbing habits of different ethnic groups when I go to predominantely European clubs it seems that it all a laugh you can go dance drink your ass of and snog one or two random strangers then go home alone or with afore mentioned stranger and its all gravy.  When I have gone to South African ( Zim, SA, Tanzania) clubs its about looking good, drinking and busting your best moves while maintaining the sexiness and dancing,slowinding grinding with a cute guy who may or may not buy you a drink then going home alone having exchanged numbers in these clubs the guys tend to favour the hip hopish way of dressing jeans Timblands. In the West African bars esp Nigerian bars its ALL about the pose.

Man I have not seem so much designer gear in one room!  Bottles of Champagne, Grey Goose, every liquor under the sun.  The men were looking fresh to death.  I like west African swagger – I find (well here anyway)  they have more of an European influence in their dressing and I like it. There is something very appealing about a well groomed man.  The ladies were looking good to but the guys stole the show.  There was not much dancing from the guys either – it seemed like it was about flexing their financial muscle cue Champers and designer threads,  most just sat there and watched the ladies do their thing then oh so smoothly  (some dudes are NOT so smooth) try holla. 

 I laughed at my mate when this one guy pulled her to one side and just said – “I cook” she stared at him blankly and was like “huh”

Then he goes “I am a microbiologist and I cook” LMAO! She looked at him and said “that’s nice” and walked off. Some other dude was macking on my girl  hard and was like I will do anything for a dance with you – I will even give you £1000 – WTF!

I will give west African dudes an “A” for persistence and an A plus for confidence.  Man, some dudes in there were like 65 years old and were still trying to throw their best mack sugar daddy game down. The music was good and we did not get hassled too much so all in all it was a good night I even have a new fave Naija song – Bummper to Bumper by Wande Coal

I did not like the fact that half the club was wearing shades! Also I find that the whole I drink Crystal- coz i have so much money -look a bit pretentious as all I wanna do is dance and have fun when I go out.

I danced my booty off on my sore foot and kept myself to myself.  Things with the boy are totally on the rocks at the moment and I don’t think that I am cut out for long distance loving.  I have also realized that my bullshit threshold is next to Zero these days and after spending so long pining for a relationship I think I am about ready to do the singe thing again…*sigh*

Back to the drawing board……….

The last week has been dramatic, there has been so much happening in my life that I feel like I have been caught in a tornado and have been scrambling round to batten down the hatches before too much damage is done.  I went back to Uni but have decided to switch my degree because I am struggling with the “Maths” bits of the course.  Part of me is really frustrated as I really felt that I had found a course that I would be happy with and felt like I was progressing and now I feel like a total quitter.  However the realist in me knows that if I am struggling , having sleepless nights and cold sweats due to the coursework now (1 month in) the future is not looking so hot. Which brings me back to the age old question of “what do I want to be when I grow up?” the truth is at this juncture fuck knows!!

Things with the boy are ticking along but only just – I guess we are both just afraid to let go and just free fall so we are being very sensible and rationalizing and evaluating each step and so at the moment it feels like relationship rehab – I know with drug and alcohol rehab you have the 12 step program. At the moment I feel like I am in one of my own. Taking it one day at a time and all that.  Rehab because I seem to have an unhealthy addiction to certain types of people that are so not good to me and I need to wean myself of old bad habits in dating and form new ones. Rehab because I need to take responsibilty for my actions within a relationship and make choices some of which may be a quite a tough pill to swallow. Rehab because stupidly like Amy in the past “they tried to make me go to rehab and I said NO NO NO!!” 

Hi My name is Daughter of Eve and I am a love-a-holic. Seriously , after spending so long as a single girl I had forgotten how stressful this relationship thing can be. I guess when you see people walking down the street hand in hand looking generally smitten, you forget that a relationship is 2 people and personalities coming together trying to make something out of nothing and often these personalities clash. A relationship is something that is built and trust is something that is earned and with the best will in the world it can fail and crumble down around you and crush you – other times it can be so beautiful it can actually make your chest ache. So for now I am just taking each day as it comes, trying to he honest and real and will see what happens which will hopefully be a better approach than the guns blazing kiss kiss bang bang approach!

 Winter is here and with the changing of seasons I have also noticed the shift in relationships that I have with certain people around me. Some friends are have flitted away like autumn leaves in the breeze, some like trees have decided to lie dormant and will probably re-emerge within the fullness of time. Some have laid down roots with me and our friendship is growing and developing and becoming stronger.  Lately I have discovered that like most things in life friendship is cyclic and like in nature some make it and some don’t.

The last thing I have noticed lately is that some people really do suffer from big doses of Boyfriend envy. Being in a new relationship is an odd experience which is made even more so by the fact that people around you tend to react very strangely to the news that you will no longer be at their beck and call and available 24hrs a day.  Some people have reacted quite badly to the fact that I am seeing someone and his has been evident in  both male and female alike. Certain friends have been really congratulatory and encouraging and others ie a male friend that I have, have been less so (I strongly suspect that this guy has a crush on me) in fact I know he does and has for a while and whilst I have tried to put him in the friend zone and I can tell he is trying to be happy for me but I know its hard for him. Last week he asked me out to lunch via e-mail and I added DeLicious to the acceptance mail  and was like “we would love to!” LOL I felt a bit mean but I don’t think its fair to entertain other guys advances whilst I am supposed to be in a relationship. One of my girlfriends basically called me to give me a bona fide good bye call that went something like this:

 “Now you have a man I know that I wont be seeing you or talking to you as much anymore, anyway *sigh* it was nice hanging out with you and I hope everything works out” HUH???? Honestly what the fuck! I was like “chic you live 500m from my house and so I will def be seeing you as for talking to you – I will call but dang don’t you have a phone too!” The most common one has been  “where will we go now?” My house tends to be party central, half way house, hospital, hostel, hotel and whatever people need it to be – now people are freaking out because the proverbial honeymoon may soon be over as when The Boy is around I do NOT want people turning up will nilly.

For what should really just be two people getting to know each other there is a hell of a lot of fuss about what could turn out to be nothing.

I am extremely stressed out today…

Voldermort is acting up and I am getting more and more frustrated with his special brand of Bullsh*t! Honestly can we just get divorced already!!!! I sometimes sit back and wonder how a feeling that I was once so sure was love, proper love, forever love has rotted and decayed into a maggot ridden feeling akin with HATRED!!!!! Ok now I know Hate is s strong word but seriously lately I have been fantasizing about kicking him in the head until the “white meat shows” grrrrrrr I am so angry, infact I am beyond angry I am feeling homicidal.

This marriage thing has been dragging on for so long now that it has begun to feel like a noose around my neck which slowly tightens every time I try wriggle away and I seriously feel like I am at the end and am choking, blue lips eyes bulging wheezing - the works. I amaze myself ………I am amazed that I have managed to hold it together for so long but peeps I am at breaking point! I have always maintained that I am too cute for jail - but heck - I aint that cute!

I guess I am doubly angry because I fear that this ish with Voldermort will spill over and threaten my new relationship. No one wants to be with a woman with baggage and I don’t want to be that person moaning about her ex boyfriend drama to the new man. Infact I think I have already have brought too much of this drama into my new relationship as it stands and so I have decided to just weather it alone, I won tell The Boy anything about Voldermort even if it kills me. Which will be hard because I wont be able to fully confide in him about things that are happening in my life but I think its for the best. So my main priority for now is just to get DIVORCED!!!! honestly that man (Voldermort) should just thank God that 20% of the whole worlds CCTV is in he UK - that is the only thing stopping me from unleashing a big can of “whip ass” on him - as I said I am too cute for jail and with all these damn cameras around my ass would get caught in a heart beat.

I sometimes wish I was ghetto - you know so ghetto that I would corner him in the street and get real loud, and shout obscenities at the top of my voice whilst jerking my neck and jabbing him in the chest with my index finger- maybe even throw a punch or two all the while not giving a damn what everyone else thinks! (KMT) Kissing -my -teeth!!

The next thing that is freaking me out today is the prospect of conducting a long distance love affair. Ok granted I should have though about this BEFORE I got involved but now I am in this, I am just worried about how I will cope. I have done LDL (long distance love) before - for two years infact and that did not end very well, understandably, because we were at such different stages in our lives! He was at Uni - I was living in Switzerland and we were both experiencing different things and could no longer relate to one another. Also we were apart longer than we were together so with the best will in the world that fell apart (even though everyone thinks he and I will one day get back together make lovely chocolate brown kids and grow old together - that’s another post all together)

I have been fretting a bit about how this thing with The Boy will work - will we see each other on weekends? Every other weekend? etc Its been a while since I dated but one of the things that I like about being with someone is the intimacy and closeness. Can I cope with being in a situation where I potentially will see someone as little as once a month? Then when you do see each other try cram in as much “couply time ” as possible before one/both of you has to go. I think I will find it hard not being able to link up for a quick kiss and a coffee after work or to just crawl into bed with someone and be held on days when life gets you down. Or just do random stuff like go to dinner/ the cinema on a whim. That’s just the emotional stuff, there I also the financial and practical stuff as well.

 Ok he lives FAR away - which in itself is not a big deal but I worry about the financial impact that it will have on him if he keeps having to travel down to see me ( he has more flexibility so it makes sense for him to come down for now -his choice not mine) I feel bad, and there is a small part of me that is worried that one day he wont be bothered to make the journey anymore or may resent me. And practical stuff in that because time together will be limited I don’t want it to be a big clingfest ! In an ideal situ we would hang out do stuff, maybe link up with friends go out etc at the moment I don’t even want that! I just want to spend time alone with him and no one else to get into his head a bit see how his mind works, cuddle and do what *ahem* grown folks do. I feel like I want him all to myself for a bit and don’t want to share him! (Sméagol from Lord of the Rings springs to mind. Mine!! My precious!!)

 I don’t know guys, I have not dated in a while because I was waiting and praying for a certain type of man. And now I am seeing someone who on paper goes against most of the things on my “checklist” (and to be honest I don’t think that he envisioned being saddled with some married chick with soon-to -be-ex-hubby-drama either) and I am scared because I am at risk of really liking him and I vowed that I would go into things with my eyes wide open. It’s still too early to get worked up about anything but I also don’t want to drift along and then wake up one day and realize that I am in a situation that I cant handle. I guess the diva in me wants to be in a relationship where my feelings are reciprocated, where I can feel secure and desirable , where I can have as much quality time ( and sex LOL) as I want. I guess I want companionship and I am scared that he wont be there in the ways /on the days that I need him.

Have any of you done LDL? How did you do it?

I Love Paris!

Parisian Swagger

I love my job!

I rarely say that infact my job and I have a love hate relationship but I have just been on a business trip that has made me love my job even more. I have been travelling a lot with work a lot recently and just spent the loveliest 48hrs on Paris.  Normally when I got to Paris I don’t ever actually stop to take in the sights. I rush about from meeting to meeting and never stop enough to catch my breath but yesterday was different.  I got done with my meetings and had a little time to move around and really absorb the Parisian swagger. Blonde ladies with big hair and big fur coats walking ridiculously small dogs. Trendy twenty somethings with perfect hair casually reclining in wooden chairs on sidewalk cafes sipping on espresso. Rude and unfriendly taxi drivers zooming around at impossible speeds. The tree line boulevards and the amazing bread wine and cheese.  Last night I went to my favourite place Buddah bar
for dinner and cocktails.

A little bit of heaven on earth

And unlike most times I am in Paris I actually took the Metro this time which was great as I got to walk around a bit and I must say that there is definitely something very romantic about Paris at night.  Maybe it’s the little tree lined boulevards or maybe it’s the Arc de Triomphe bathed in moonlight, perhaps it was the Eiffel Tower last night twinkling away  draped in what looked like a million fairy lights - I don’t know what it was but last night I fell in love with Paris.  The architecture the whole vybe.

Eiffel Tower at night

That coupled with the fact that I stayed in the most amazing hotel ever made it one of the best business trips I have had.  I stayed at the Sofitel Luxury hotel and boy was it luxurious it exuded quality and sumptuousness from the minute you step into the lobby and they hand you some hand made sparkling fruity cocktail thingy that you sip on casually whilst they check you in, the person that checks you in also carries your bags up to your room and takes you on a tour of the room showing you the various fixtures and features and checks to make sure that the room meets your requirements. Seriously when the dude put my bags down I almost burst out laughing.  Requirements?? I alsmost did a little jig of joy.  I love hotels in Europe because you get what you pay for -this hotel is mad expensive and the service reflects that.  Unlike the bullshit that I experienced in South Africa TWICE in different hotels during the past 12 months - in fact Sun City is probably the WORST HOTEL I have stayed in EVER (but thats another post)

The Hotel room - Luxury

Then there was the room……man!!  The bed was HUGE I think it was a queen size and it was the most comfy thing I have ever slept in. It felt like a water bed but wasn’t and was just lush. The room had ipod docking station, bose speakers, wooden desk, Hermes toiletries a bath tub big enough for 3 adults basically it was the shit!! And this morning I was driven to my meeting in a chauffer driven car complete with a dude in full chauffer kit and  nice little sweets in a chiffon bag tied in ribbon. I must say it was great being pampered. My meetings went really well - which is an added bonus so all my hard work over the past 10 months has paid off!

Things are going well with the Boy as well and we spent a lovely couple of days together last weekend (my birthday weekend) just talking watching DVD’s and generally getting to know each other better.  It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.  I got loads of presents had a wicked B day party ( Super hero themed) and the boy gave me one of the best presents of all…he gave me intimacy

All in an all I  am very happy girl  I am back at uni and life seems to be moving in the right direction.  I just  need to get rid of  Voldemort who I am desperate to get rid off especially since he seems to be getting shadier and shadier KMT (kiss my teeth!!) honestly that man is working my last nerve and I don’t know how much more I can take! I also just want to be free to enjoy my new relationship with out any pre-existing bullshit.

Oh and before I forget for those of you who pray please join me in praying for the exoneration of Roy Bennett!

The beginning of something is often better than its end……

I am in a bit of a muddled mood today. After my last post things have galloped along so fast that I have not had much time to take it all in let alone catch my breath! I have gone back to school, nearly lost a best friend and have fallen both in and out of love with myself. In love with my self because I am pleased that I have managed to do all the things that I set out to do – well almost (I am still trying to buy a flat but can’t decide which country to buy in ) and I want to save more. I feel good within myself and for the first time in ages I can look at my life and truly say that it is well. I am healthy and God has blessed me in so many ways and after being under attack I mean chatted up/romanced/serenaded/paraded and debated about I think I have met someone decent.

Out of love with my self because there are still loads of things that I am not happy with in my life yet. I feel that I have grown and changed but I have now found that now that I am confronted with the potential opportunity to start something great with someone I am still that indecisive and nervous and vulnerable person that I was trying to get away from! I don’t know whether I can actually bear the thought of letting someone close to me again. I don’t know how to behave anymore – (being myself has just landed me where I am now) I don’t trust my sense of judgment anymore.
I met a guy and I like him and I think he likes me back and that scares me! I don’t know I guess I will have to take it one day at a time and see where I end up. I just don’t want to free fall ….I feel like I am bungee jumping into a dark crater and I am not sure of the depth of the drop or the length of the chord.

The beginning of things is great ..the first kiss…….the late night phone calls when you talk for hours …getting to know someone…..the flattery …that phase when everything about you is great ! The phase before you start getting on each others nerves, the phase when your voice irritates him, the phase when you pass through the house like ships in the night and hardly touch anymore. I guess I became disillusioned with love when what I thought was love walked away. If I was ever to find love again would I even recognize it? Would I trust its voice and hold its hand if it reached out to me?

One day at a time is my motto these days , people are full of advice and well meaning tit bits of information - self help books (which I despise) make it all seem so easy I have just finished a book on dating like Christian woman should and I almost laughed out loud at a lot of what was written. When did I become so cynical? Quite a few people I know are getting divorced ( its an epidemic) and I am saddened and scared.

I guess its too late to start panicking really ……… I am kind of seeing this guy now………………. I am not quite sure where I stand with him yet….I am afraid

So your relationship is on its last  legs , your man is on the verge of walking away for good, you are stressed out and feel desperate so you think “I know! I will have a baby and he will realise how much he loves me and we will stay together and play happy families forever right? “ WRONG!
Why do some women think that this shit works, in fact it never works, most of the time the guys bolt before the baby is born or if you are lucky and he feels a bit bad he may stick around till after  the baby is born. Heck he may even stay a few months /years. I unfortunately the inevitable happens HE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU. Even if he does not physically walk away , he will cheat and guess what he will resent you.

I have come across one too many women who have tried to pull/have pulled this shit and the one that suffers most is a baby. I just don’t get it ! In fact a cousin of mine just tried to do this to her man and guess what he secretly swabbed the babys DNA , sent it to a lab and it emerged that it was not his!
Its these women that end up lamenting about how harsh life is and complaining about how crap these men are at looking after their kids.

I would love to get a mans perspective on this.

In this day and age all that honour stuff is dead these days if you get knocked up more often than not the guy will drive you to the nearest abortion clinic or tell you where to go.  I actually know a guy in Zim who killed himself because he got a girl preggers and his parents were trying to force him to marry her.

My friends and I have a term for this type of scenario its called having a baby trap-a-brother I know someone who  is miserable as hell coz she lost the man AND she is stuck with the baby.  Its not only mere mortals that do this. Usher got trapped by that nasty Tameka! The Dream has been trapped by Christina Milian (not that the guys are innocent)

I am intrigued and a bit horrified when I think of the lengths that some women will go to in order to trap/keep a man.  Having a baby is top of that list, I would never fight for a man (fisticuffs are not my style and I am too cute for jail), I would never stay with a man that I knew was cheating (I know a chick who KNOWS her man is screwing around but she stays coz he earns almost 100k £) I  am definitely too scared to catch aids and I  will never stay with a man that hits me just for the sake of having a man. Shit my soon to be ex husband bounced and I let that *fool walk because I respect and love myself too much.

Women amaze me - how far would you go to hang on to a man?