Daughter of Eve

The last week has been dramatic, there has been so much happening in my life that I feel like I have been caught in a tornado and have been scrambling round to batten down the hatches before too much damage is done.  I went back to Uni but have decided to switch my degree because I am struggling with the “Maths” bits of the course.  Part of me is really frustrated as I really felt that I had found a course that I would be happy with and felt like I was progressing and now I feel like a total quitter.  However the realist in me knows that if I am struggling , having sleepless nights and cold sweats due to the coursework now (1 month in) the future is not looking so hot. Which brings me back to the age old question of “what do I want to be when I grow up?” the truth is at this juncture fuck knows!!

Things with the boy are ticking along but only just – I guess we are both just afraid to let go and just free fall so we are being very sensible and rationalizing and evaluating each step and so at the moment it feels like relationship rehab – I know with drug and alcohol rehab you have the 12 step program. At the moment I feel like I am in one of my own. Taking it one day at a time and all that.  Rehab because I seem to have an unhealthy addiction to certain types of people that are so not good to me and I need to wean myself of old bad habits in dating and form new ones. Rehab because I need to take responsibilty for my actions within a relationship and make choices some of which may be a quite a tough pill to swallow. Rehab because stupidly like Amy in the past “they tried to make me go to rehab and I said NO NO NO!!” 

Hi My name is Daughter of Eve and I am a love-a-holic. Seriously , after spending so long as a single girl I had forgotten how stressful this relationship thing can be. I guess when you see people walking down the street hand in hand looking generally smitten, you forget that a relationship is 2 people and personalities coming together trying to make something out of nothing and often these personalities clash. A relationship is something that is built and trust is something that is earned and with the best will in the world it can fail and crumble down around you and crush you – other times it can be so beautiful it can actually make your chest ache. So for now I am just taking each day as it comes, trying to he honest and real and will see what happens which will hopefully be a better approach than the guns blazing kiss kiss bang bang approach!

 Winter is here and with the changing of seasons I have also noticed the shift in relationships that I have with certain people around me. Some friends are have flitted away like autumn leaves in the breeze, some like trees have decided to lie dormant and will probably re-emerge within the fullness of time. Some have laid down roots with me and our friendship is growing and developing and becoming stronger.  Lately I have discovered that like most things in life friendship is cyclic and like in nature some make it and some don’t.

The last thing I have noticed lately is that some people really do suffer from big doses of Boyfriend envy. Being in a new relationship is an odd experience which is made even more so by the fact that people around you tend to react very strangely to the news that you will no longer be at their beck and call and available 24hrs a day.  Some people have reacted quite badly to the fact that I am seeing someone and his has been evident in  both male and female alike. Certain friends have been really congratulatory and encouraging and others ie a male friend that I have, have been less so (I strongly suspect that this guy has a crush on me) in fact I know he does and has for a while and whilst I have tried to put him in the friend zone and I can tell he is trying to be happy for me but I know its hard for him. Last week he asked me out to lunch via e-mail and I added DeLicious to the acceptance mail  and was like “we would love to!” LOL I felt a bit mean but I don’t think its fair to entertain other guys advances whilst I am supposed to be in a relationship. One of my girlfriends basically called me to give me a bona fide good bye call that went something like this:

 “Now you have a man I know that I wont be seeing you or talking to you as much anymore, anyway *sigh* it was nice hanging out with you and I hope everything works out” HUH???? Honestly what the fuck! I was like “chic you live 500m from my house and so I will def be seeing you as for talking to you – I will call but dang don’t you have a phone too!” The most common one has been  “where will we go now?” My house tends to be party central, half way house, hospital, hostel, hotel and whatever people need it to be – now people are freaking out because the proverbial honeymoon may soon be over as when The Boy is around I do NOT want people turning up will nilly.

For what should really just be two people getting to know each other there is a hell of a lot of fuss about what could turn out to be nothing.

I am extremely stressed out today…

Voldermort is acting up and I am getting more and more frustrated with his special brand of Bullsh*t! Honestly can we just get divorced already!!!! I sometimes sit back and wonder how a feeling that I was once so sure was love, proper love, forever love has rotted and decayed into a maggot ridden feeling akin with HATRED!!!!! Ok now I know Hate is s strong word but seriously lately I have been fantasizing about kicking him in the head until the “white meat shows” grrrrrrr I am so angry, infact I am beyond angry I am feeling homicidal.

This marriage thing has been dragging on for so long now that it has begun to feel like a noose around my neck which slowly tightens every time I try wriggle away and I seriously feel like I am at the end and am choking, blue lips eyes bulging wheezing - the works. I amaze myself ………I am amazed that I have managed to hold it together for so long but peeps I am at breaking point! I have always maintained that I am too cute for jail - but heck - I aint that cute!

I guess I am doubly angry because I fear that this ish with Voldermort will spill over and threaten my new relationship. No one wants to be with a woman with baggage and I don’t want to be that person moaning about her ex boyfriend drama to the new man. Infact I think I have already have brought too much of this drama into my new relationship as it stands and so I have decided to just weather it alone, I won tell The Boy anything about Voldermort even if it kills me. Which will be hard because I wont be able to fully confide in him about things that are happening in my life but I think its for the best. So my main priority for now is just to get DIVORCED!!!! honestly that man (Voldermort) should just thank God that 20% of the whole worlds CCTV is in he UK - that is the only thing stopping me from unleashing a big can of “whip ass” on him - as I said I am too cute for jail and with all these damn cameras around my ass would get caught in a heart beat.

I sometimes wish I was ghetto - you know so ghetto that I would corner him in the street and get real loud, and shout obscenities at the top of my voice whilst jerking my neck and jabbing him in the chest with my index finger- maybe even throw a punch or two all the while not giving a damn what everyone else thinks! (KMT) Kissing -my -teeth!!

The next thing that is freaking me out today is the prospect of conducting a long distance love affair. Ok granted I should have though about this BEFORE I got involved but now I am in this, I am just worried about how I will cope. I have done LDL (long distance love) before - for two years infact and that did not end very well, understandably, because we were at such different stages in our lives! He was at Uni - I was living in Switzerland and we were both experiencing different things and could no longer relate to one another. Also we were apart longer than we were together so with the best will in the world that fell apart (even though everyone thinks he and I will one day get back together make lovely chocolate brown kids and grow old together - that’s another post all together)

I have been fretting a bit about how this thing with The Boy will work - will we see each other on weekends? Every other weekend? etc Its been a while since I dated but one of the things that I like about being with someone is the intimacy and closeness. Can I cope with being in a situation where I potentially will see someone as little as once a month? Then when you do see each other try cram in as much “couply time ” as possible before one/both of you has to go. I think I will find it hard not being able to link up for a quick kiss and a coffee after work or to just crawl into bed with someone and be held on days when life gets you down. Or just do random stuff like go to dinner/ the cinema on a whim. That’s just the emotional stuff, there I also the financial and practical stuff as well.

 Ok he lives FAR away - which in itself is not a big deal but I worry about the financial impact that it will have on him if he keeps having to travel down to see me ( he has more flexibility so it makes sense for him to come down for now -his choice not mine) I feel bad, and there is a small part of me that is worried that one day he wont be bothered to make the journey anymore or may resent me. And practical stuff in that because time together will be limited I don’t want it to be a big clingfest ! In an ideal situ we would hang out do stuff, maybe link up with friends go out etc at the moment I don’t even want that! I just want to spend time alone with him and no one else to get into his head a bit see how his mind works, cuddle and do what *ahem* grown folks do. I feel like I want him all to myself for a bit and don’t want to share him! (Sméagol from Lord of the Rings springs to mind. Mine!! My precious!!)

 I don’t know guys, I have not dated in a while because I was waiting and praying for a certain type of man. And now I am seeing someone who on paper goes against most of the things on my “checklist” (and to be honest I don’t think that he envisioned being saddled with some married chick with soon-to -be-ex-hubby-drama either) and I am scared because I am at risk of really liking him and I vowed that I would go into things with my eyes wide open. It’s still too early to get worked up about anything but I also don’t want to drift along and then wake up one day and realize that I am in a situation that I cant handle. I guess the diva in me wants to be in a relationship where my feelings are reciprocated, where I can feel secure and desirable , where I can have as much quality time ( and sex LOL) as I want. I guess I want companionship and I am scared that he wont be there in the ways /on the days that I need him.

Have any of you done LDL? How did you do it?

I Love Paris!

Parisian Swagger

I love my job!

I rarely say that infact my job and I have a love hate relationship but I have just been on a business trip that has made me love my job even more. I have been travelling a lot with work a lot recently and just spent the loveliest 48hrs on Paris.  Normally when I got to Paris I don’t ever actually stop to take in the sights. I rush about from meeting to meeting and never stop enough to catch my breath but yesterday was different.  I got done with my meetings and had a little time to move around and really absorb the Parisian swagger. Blonde ladies with big hair and big fur coats walking ridiculously small dogs. Trendy twenty somethings with perfect hair casually reclining in wooden chairs on sidewalk cafes sipping on espresso. Rude and unfriendly taxi drivers zooming around at impossible speeds. The tree line boulevards and the amazing bread wine and cheese.  Last night I went to my favourite place Buddah bar
for dinner and cocktails.

A little bit of heaven on earth

And unlike most times I am in Paris I actually took the Metro this time which was great as I got to walk around a bit and I must say that there is definitely something very romantic about Paris at night.  Maybe it’s the little tree lined boulevards or maybe it’s the Arc de Triomphe bathed in moonlight, perhaps it was the Eiffel Tower last night twinkling away  draped in what looked like a million fairy lights - I don’t know what it was but last night I fell in love with Paris.  The architecture the whole vybe.

Eiffel Tower at night

That coupled with the fact that I stayed in the most amazing hotel ever made it one of the best business trips I have had.  I stayed at the Sofitel Luxury hotel and boy was it luxurious it exuded quality and sumptuousness from the minute you step into the lobby and they hand you some hand made sparkling fruity cocktail thingy that you sip on casually whilst they check you in, the person that checks you in also carries your bags up to your room and takes you on a tour of the room showing you the various fixtures and features and checks to make sure that the room meets your requirements. Seriously when the dude put my bags down I almost burst out laughing.  Requirements?? I alsmost did a little jig of joy.  I love hotels in Europe because you get what you pay for -this hotel is mad expensive and the service reflects that.  Unlike the bullshit that I experienced in South Africa TWICE in different hotels during the past 12 months - in fact Sun City is probably the WORST HOTEL I have stayed in EVER (but thats another post)

The Hotel room - Luxury

Then there was the room……man!!  The bed was HUGE I think it was a queen size and it was the most comfy thing I have ever slept in. It felt like a water bed but wasn’t and was just lush. The room had ipod docking station, bose speakers, wooden desk, Hermes toiletries a bath tub big enough for 3 adults basically it was the shit!! And this morning I was driven to my meeting in a chauffer driven car complete with a dude in full chauffer kit and  nice little sweets in a chiffon bag tied in ribbon. I must say it was great being pampered. My meetings went really well - which is an added bonus so all my hard work over the past 10 months has paid off!

Things are going well with the Boy as well and we spent a lovely couple of days together last weekend (my birthday weekend) just talking watching DVD’s and generally getting to know each other better.  It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.  I got loads of presents had a wicked B day party ( Super hero themed) and the boy gave me one of the best presents of all…he gave me intimacy

All in an all I  am very happy girl  I am back at uni and life seems to be moving in the right direction.  I just  need to get rid of  Voldemort who I am desperate to get rid off especially since he seems to be getting shadier and shadier KMT (kiss my teeth!!) honestly that man is working my last nerve and I don’t know how much more I can take! I also just want to be free to enjoy my new relationship with out any pre-existing bullshit.

Oh and before I forget for those of you who pray please join me in praying for the exoneration of Roy Bennett!

The beginning of something is often better than its end……

I am in a bit of a muddled mood today. After my last post things have galloped along so fast that I have not had much time to take it all in let alone catch my breath! I have gone back to school, nearly lost a best friend and have fallen both in and out of love with myself. In love with my self because I am pleased that I have managed to do all the things that I set out to do – well almost (I am still trying to buy a flat but can’t decide which country to buy in ) and I want to save more. I feel good within myself and for the first time in ages I can look at my life and truly say that it is well. I am healthy and God has blessed me in so many ways and after being under attack I mean chatted up/romanced/serenaded/paraded and debated about I think I have met someone decent.

Out of love with my self because there are still loads of things that I am not happy with in my life yet. I feel that I have grown and changed but I have now found that now that I am confronted with the potential opportunity to start something great with someone I am still that indecisive and nervous and vulnerable person that I was trying to get away from! I don’t know whether I can actually bear the thought of letting someone close to me again. I don’t know how to behave anymore – (being myself has just landed me where I am now) I don’t trust my sense of judgment anymore.
I met a guy and I like him and I think he likes me back and that scares me! I don’t know I guess I will have to take it one day at a time and see where I end up. I just don’t want to free fall ….I feel like I am bungee jumping into a dark crater and I am not sure of the depth of the drop or the length of the chord.

The beginning of things is great ..the first kiss…….the late night phone calls when you talk for hours …getting to know someone…..the flattery …that phase when everything about you is great ! The phase before you start getting on each others nerves, the phase when your voice irritates him, the phase when you pass through the house like ships in the night and hardly touch anymore. I guess I became disillusioned with love when what I thought was love walked away. If I was ever to find love again would I even recognize it? Would I trust its voice and hold its hand if it reached out to me?

One day at a time is my motto these days , people are full of advice and well meaning tit bits of information - self help books (which I despise) make it all seem so easy I have just finished a book on dating like Christian woman should and I almost laughed out loud at a lot of what was written. When did I become so cynical? Quite a few people I know are getting divorced ( its an epidemic) and I am saddened and scared.

I guess its too late to start panicking really ……… I am kind of seeing this guy now………………. I am not quite sure where I stand with him yet….I am afraid