Daughter of Eve

The beginning of something is often better than its end……

I am in a bit of a muddled mood today. After my last post things have galloped along so fast that I have not had much time to take it all in let alone catch my breath! I have gone back to school, nearly lost a best friend and have fallen both in and out of love with myself. In love with my self because I am pleased that I have managed to do all the things that I set out to do – well almost (I am still trying to buy a flat but can’t decide which country to buy in ) and I want to save more. I feel good within myself and for the first time in ages I can look at my life and truly say that it is well. I am healthy and God has blessed me in so many ways and after being under attack I mean chatted up/romanced/serenaded/paraded and debated about I think I have met someone decent.

Out of love with my self because there are still loads of things that I am not happy with in my life yet. I feel that I have grown and changed but I have now found that now that I am confronted with the potential opportunity to start something great with someone I am still that indecisive and nervous and vulnerable person that I was trying to get away from! I don’t know whether I can actually bear the thought of letting someone close to me again. I don’t know how to behave anymore – (being myself has just landed me where I am now) I don’t trust my sense of judgment anymore.
I met a guy and I like him and I think he likes me back and that scares me! I don’t know I guess I will have to take it one day at a time and see where I end up. I just don’t want to free fall ….I feel like I am bungee jumping into a dark crater and I am not sure of the depth of the drop or the length of the chord.

The beginning of things is great ..the first kiss…….the late night phone calls when you talk for hours …getting to know someone…..the flattery …that phase when everything about you is great ! The phase before you start getting on each others nerves, the phase when your voice irritates him, the phase when you pass through the house like ships in the night and hardly touch anymore. I guess I became disillusioned with love when what I thought was love walked away. If I was ever to find love again would I even recognize it? Would I trust its voice and hold its hand if it reached out to me?

One day at a time is my motto these days , people are full of advice and well meaning tit bits of information - self help books (which I despise) make it all seem so easy I have just finished a book on dating like Christian woman should and I almost laughed out loud at a lot of what was written. When did I become so cynical? Quite a few people I know are getting divorced ( its an epidemic) and I am saddened and scared.

I guess its too late to start panicking really ……… I am kind of seeing this guy now………………. I am not quite sure where I stand with him yet….I am afraid