Daughter of Eve

I am extremely stressed out today…

Voldermort is acting up and I am getting more and more frustrated with his special brand of Bullsh*t! Honestly can we just get divorced already!!!! I sometimes sit back and wonder how a feeling that I was once so sure was love, proper love, forever love has rotted and decayed into a maggot ridden feeling akin with HATRED!!!!! Ok now I know Hate is s strong word but seriously lately I have been fantasizing about kicking him in the head until the “white meat shows” grrrrrrr I am so angry, infact I am beyond angry I am feeling homicidal.

This marriage thing has been dragging on for so long now that it has begun to feel like a noose around my neck which slowly tightens every time I try wriggle away and I seriously feel like I am at the end and am choking, blue lips eyes bulging wheezing - the works. I amaze myself ………I am amazed that I have managed to hold it together for so long but peeps I am at breaking point! I have always maintained that I am too cute for jail - but heck - I aint that cute!

I guess I am doubly angry because I fear that this ish with Voldermort will spill over and threaten my new relationship. No one wants to be with a woman with baggage and I don’t want to be that person moaning about her ex boyfriend drama to the new man. Infact I think I have already have brought too much of this drama into my new relationship as it stands and so I have decided to just weather it alone, I won tell The Boy anything about Voldermort even if it kills me. Which will be hard because I wont be able to fully confide in him about things that are happening in my life but I think its for the best. So my main priority for now is just to get DIVORCED!!!! honestly that man (Voldermort) should just thank God that 20% of the whole worlds CCTV is in he UK - that is the only thing stopping me from unleashing a big can of “whip ass” on him - as I said I am too cute for jail and with all these damn cameras around my ass would get caught in a heart beat.

I sometimes wish I was ghetto - you know so ghetto that I would corner him in the street and get real loud, and shout obscenities at the top of my voice whilst jerking my neck and jabbing him in the chest with my index finger- maybe even throw a punch or two all the while not giving a damn what everyone else thinks! (KMT) Kissing -my -teeth!!

The next thing that is freaking me out today is the prospect of conducting a long distance love affair. Ok granted I should have though about this BEFORE I got involved but now I am in this, I am just worried about how I will cope. I have done LDL (long distance love) before - for two years infact and that did not end very well, understandably, because we were at such different stages in our lives! He was at Uni - I was living in Switzerland and we were both experiencing different things and could no longer relate to one another. Also we were apart longer than we were together so with the best will in the world that fell apart (even though everyone thinks he and I will one day get back together make lovely chocolate brown kids and grow old together - that’s another post all together)

I have been fretting a bit about how this thing with The Boy will work - will we see each other on weekends? Every other weekend? etc Its been a while since I dated but one of the things that I like about being with someone is the intimacy and closeness. Can I cope with being in a situation where I potentially will see someone as little as once a month? Then when you do see each other try cram in as much “couply time ” as possible before one/both of you has to go. I think I will find it hard not being able to link up for a quick kiss and a coffee after work or to just crawl into bed with someone and be held on days when life gets you down. Or just do random stuff like go to dinner/ the cinema on a whim. That’s just the emotional stuff, there I also the financial and practical stuff as well.

 Ok he lives FAR away - which in itself is not a big deal but I worry about the financial impact that it will have on him if he keeps having to travel down to see me ( he has more flexibility so it makes sense for him to come down for now -his choice not mine) I feel bad, and there is a small part of me that is worried that one day he wont be bothered to make the journey anymore or may resent me. And practical stuff in that because time together will be limited I don’t want it to be a big clingfest ! In an ideal situ we would hang out do stuff, maybe link up with friends go out etc at the moment I don’t even want that! I just want to spend time alone with him and no one else to get into his head a bit see how his mind works, cuddle and do what *ahem* grown folks do. I feel like I want him all to myself for a bit and don’t want to share him! (Sméagol from Lord of the Rings springs to mind. Mine!! My precious!!)

 I don’t know guys, I have not dated in a while because I was waiting and praying for a certain type of man. And now I am seeing someone who on paper goes against most of the things on my “checklist” (and to be honest I don’t think that he envisioned being saddled with some married chick with soon-to -be-ex-hubby-drama either) and I am scared because I am at risk of really liking him and I vowed that I would go into things with my eyes wide open. It’s still too early to get worked up about anything but I also don’t want to drift along and then wake up one day and realize that I am in a situation that I cant handle. I guess the diva in me wants to be in a relationship where my feelings are reciprocated, where I can feel secure and desirable , where I can have as much quality time ( and sex LOL) as I want. I guess I want companionship and I am scared that he wont be there in the ways /on the days that I need him.

Have any of you done LDL? How did you do it?