Daughter of Eve

A friend of mine recently told me about a movie she watched a couple of weeks ago.  There was a particular scene in the movie where 2 people were involved in some kind of skirmish and one was knifed to death.  The murderer picked up his phone in a panic and phoned a friend and told him to come over with some bin liners a knife and some tape and the friend promptly sprang into action , assembled the items he had been asked to get, hopped into his car and hot tailed it to the other side of town where his friend was waiting.  This got my friend and i thinking about who we would call in a similar situation / at a time of crisis and without even needing to think about it i knew who my bin bag, knife and tape crew would be! Do you?  I may not have murdered anyone but the members of my bin bag and knife crew have stuck by me through thick and thin, held me back when i have felt like i might kill someone and have lifted me up when i was down (they have also helped me plot and scheme)

The next is my friend who for the purpose of this blog I will call “GOLDEN” this is my girl!  From our first meeting at school when we became firm friends whilst sitting outside out English class preparing to be blasted by the teacher for not doing our homework this chick has always been there.  She was my look out when i needed one, my drinking buddy, my ally and part time enemy. Even in high school she did not do “judgement” she just let you get on with it.  I love this chick because there is no shame in her game! she is who she is and if you don’t like it don’t look. we can speak candidly and honesty to each other and on my small Utopian island she would be minister of defence because my girl has a crazy violent side!

Next on my list is T-nasty she would be my Information and Finance minister because my girl does not mince her words.  She is straight up and in your face when she needs to be. She is embarking on her third degree and is an all round solid and driven chick.  She also is very good with her money and manages to keep her spending in check without being tight! She is great to party with and has my back 100%

Minister if Hedonistic Pursuits would be my friend C she can party like no one else i have ever met in MY LIFE.  Not only has she got a very senior job with one of the biggest hedge funds in the UK but she has a work hard party even harder attitude which leaves me stunned.  Last year I mentioned that i was going to Shanghai on hols 3 days before i was due to fly out and she bought a ticket and jumped on the plane with me 2 days later.  She takes spontaneity to lofty heights and I give her 10/10 for stamina

D-licious would def be on my bin bag and knife list.  She is one of my closest friends and i must say the girl has GAME.  I met her when she was dating a man and i remember her declaring very matter of factly that she would be married with in six months (bearing in mind he had not proposed and her in laws disapproved of her)  I don’t know how she did it but she did and has the ring to prove it WOOMP!!! She would me my minister of Game and Tactics because she is a pro..the stories this girl has told me sound like something out of a movie…she has talked herself out of some crazy nigerian moviesque situations and she has a killer sense of humor to boot

Last on this list is my girl Tatadelicious who would be my minister for Morality for beautiful girls and Spirituality.  No one else I know has held out from doing the nasty for 2 years with her man and waiting till marriage because of her christian principles.  She does not only talk about it but she is about it and and i respect that.  She is also on fire for the lord without getting preachy with it and can throw down on the dance floor with the best of them.

I am blessed to be surrounded by such strong beautiful powerful women (there are too many to list) and should i ever win the Euromillions Lottery and buy a small country - believe me it would be one crazy place!

My anthem for this summer is Doneo - Party Hard - this sounds so good blasting from some heavy speakers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS2QtS8TFHQ&feature=related

So it has been ages since I updated my blog. I have been so ridiculously busy that I have had very little time to do much of anything. So much has happened but the thing that has been weighing on my mind is MEN or should I say the lack thereof!

I have been speaking to several friends recently who have been complaining about getting too much “loving” from their men. In fact my friend Goldens’ man is so horny that she has had to sleep in a semi sitting up position so he could not get to her “goodies” - we spent an hour on the phone talking about the steps she has had to take to guard her own ass because her new man is a 5 rounds-a -night kind of brother.

Another friend is quite smug at the fact that her hubby has just had his appendix removed and cant do any “strenuous excersize” for 4 weeks.  And my friend Crazy legs can’t even bake these days as a few weeks ago she was bending over to get some muffins out of the oven and her man “pounced”

Now with everyone complaining about getting an “overdose” of Vitamin S I seem to be the only one in my crew suffering from a serious deficiency. In fact I have been on drought for so long that my mates are threatening to send a letter to the Hague to beg the UN to send “food aid”
Seriously, things are dire and now I am starting to regret not hooking up with Mcfraud for a little bit.
The problem with that idea is that my withdrawal symptoms would have been even worse!! Think crack head fresh out of rehab being given a little hit of coke!

 I had to go cold turkey when hubby absconded and that was hard but was made easier by the fact that just the thought of him made me want to puke. Now I am at a any dude will do phase which is NOT GOOD.

I have started seriously looking at men in such a fucked up way and instead of looking at their faces my eyes keep trailing south …and I mean way south- have MERCY!
I watched Twilight the other night and found myself day dreaming about the lead actor Robert Pattinson who is totally not even my type.

All I am saying is people shouldn’t have naked flames near me because I will definitely go up in flames  like a pylon of  timber.

I have started to focus my “energy” on something more productive and so I am on a very strict diet.  I have stuck with it for 2 weeks so far and have lost almost 8kg’s which is not bad in my books.  Voldemort and I are nearly through and will start formal divorce proceedings  in about 8 weeks.  My friends are planning the BIGGEST divorce party ever ! We are calling it the Emancipation party and are going to go buck wild!!

Before I go I have a random question for y’all……I was recently invited to a “big girls only” night and I don’t know whether to be offended or not! I mean yeah I have plenty of junk in my trunk but I think it’s a bit fetishy- what think you??

The constant sound of sirens in my ears is beginning to vex me.  I feel perturbed , raw - there has just been a huge accident just outside my flat and the road is crammed with police cars, ambulances, cars belonging to specialist doctors the works.  I was chilling at home (read SLEEPING) when my cousin called me to say that she was coming to park her car in my driveway so that she could walk the approx 200 meters to the station and get the tube into town to meet her man.  She only lives around the corner and so I went downstairs expecting her to appear any second and she did on foot .  She explained that the police had cordoned off the road just before my house and that’s when I took a really good look and saw that the road was cordoned off both ways.  I walked her part of the way to the station and we literally had to cross the road and walk through the park in order to get past the cordoned off area and as we walked that’s when I saw the enormity of it. 4 cars and several bits of debris littered the road. One car was overturned and there were people trapped inside.  Crowds had begun to form of either end  of the road and on either end of the cordon effectively boxing the accident area in.  Now I must admit that  I looked as I walked past, driven by some kind of morbid curiosity - also the fact that I trained as a nurse once upon a time and have seen my fair share of guts and blood has meant that I am not squeamish about these things.  I left my cousin near the station and headed back home and that’s when I took a good look at the crowd, people had camera phones out and were taking videos , others were running from their homes and chattering in excited glee, grown women and men holding their young children in their arms creeping closer and closer to the police tape to get a better look (why would you bring your kids out of your home to see blood/guts/what looked like certain death)  Across the road from me there was an old man with a big camera taking pictures and that’s when I began to feel sick.  What is wrong with people? No one seemed particularly worried about the people trapped inside -the crowds just seemed to have some kind of blood lust- people scrambling for a better view of the mangled kids in the car, of the ambulances, of the police in fact there was only one guy who seemed visibly shaken.  Some dudes even tried to chat my cousin and I up, right there, by the broken glass and a scene so horrific it made my blood run cold.  

It was a painful reminder of my own mortality.  In a week where I have been to the doctors for a lump in my breast, been informed that my last blood test showed abnormal liver function results , bumped into the ex boyfriend of the woman my soon to be ex husband has shacked up with, been feeling generally out of sorts and this week has not been a very good week.  I feel anxious, agitated, stressed out and very VERY vulnerable.

I don’t know ..sometimes I despair, mankind seems to have lost all sense of humanity. Death is all around me in the papers, on the news, on the streets I guess its inevitable but sometimes I wish it wasn’t so in your face.

Sorry for starting with such a controversial and loaded question but I have been doing something thinking and I am curious.  Not about the anatomical structure but I have been watching the news and I have realised that a lot of the troubles in the world are down to some pussy.

I was watching a comedienne on a show recently and she pointed out that someone somewhere is languishing in prison because they murdered/maimed somebody because of a woman or should I say because of some pussy.  Now what kind of  pussy is that?  Some woman somewhere has “stuff” that is soooooooooooooooooooooo good that people would even KILL for it?  Mine is definitely not  this type ..guys may have shoved each other a bit in a club over my shit my definitely never this!

Baby come back  - ( Addictive  Pussy)

I was speaking to a friend recently who has broken up with her man for the third time in just as many years and each time the brother comes back.  Not only does he come back after being dumped repeatedly but he has sworn his undying love and has said that he would do whatever it takes to make her happy.  Now this guy is the epitome of a good man.  He makes really good money, he is goal orientated and career driven , he loves his family and is respectful and kind, he worships the ground that she walks on.  They have their issues and she has her reasons for ending it but she also has what I call the addictive pussy.

You are MINE! - ( Possessive Pussy)

Then there is possessive pussy.  That is the type that causes fist fights in bars, late night drive-by’s , phone calls to check on where you are at all times of the day. Abusive if I cant have you no one will pussy. , I hate all your friends they are all jealous heifers that want to corrupt you and break us up pussy…. That is the pussy that attracts some hardcore jealous crazy I will bust the windows out of  your car type shit.

Sob story/ shifty - ( also known as loser pussy)

Mine probably fits in this category, this type seems to attract DRAMA, married/old/psycho /deadbeat men seem to find this pussy irrisitable.  it’s the type of pussy that should come with a warning from the Surgeon General.  I seem to be an old man magnet! I like my men a little older but dang a 50 year age gap is not an age gap its damn near paedophelia!! I actually was propositioned last night and I am still stunned, had I been wearing some body hugging, boob exposing , leg showing outfit with killer heels I would not have been surprised but I was in a long ass denim skirt and a t shirt.  I would class a majority of my exes in this category and  I know a fair few girls that seem to have the same kind of pussy as me.

I put a spell on you - ( the voodo pussy)

This is the type of pussy that seems to attract  those brothers that you just cant get out of your system.  He will do some crazy shit like not call you for 2 weeks even though he is your “man” he wont go out with any of your friends, he doesn’t really seem to pay much attention to you until he wants you in the sack and even then he probably wont spend the night.  I call this voodo pussy because you just cant seem to help yourself even though you know that you are not being treated right and are in a  generally fucked up situation.. You will avail yourself at the drop of a hat or should I say text message and you know deep down that it will never go anywhere

I am sure that there are plenty of other categories in fact I would love to hear your suggestions.  My mind is probably warped for even coming up with this shit but seriously even when I think back to my high school days, boys stole cars/borrowed money from friends to take girls out/borrowed clothes/ faked illnesses/ snuck out of school all in the hope of getting some pussy…man even great men have fallen because of it…so ladies humor me - what kind of pussy do you have?

Ok so I lied.  I have had THE MOST stressful week at work and I have been looking for ways to destress, especially this weekend.  The holidays are always a bit weird because unlike the weekend everyone and everything winds down. My week started in pretty much the same way  that it has been starting for the last month- hard and fast.   I am working on what’s probably the toughest project of my career with the toughest client.  Lets just say French people don’t hold back when they are not happy. Unfortunately there are a lot of things that the client is unhappy about and the penalties associated are harsh! I am finishing work at unspeakable hours and am working weekends, holidays you name it - add to that the fact that I have had to make a formal complaint to HR about a colleague and voila! The ideal recipie for “crash and burn” pie.  I feel like a junkie or something, I feel strung out and I have been functioning on adrenaline and virtually no sleep. I have even taken to drinking coffee which I used to find quite disgusting and my body is generally freaking out!!

So I decided to do something exotic this weekend and jet off on a weekend trip.  My bank balance is still recovering from New York last month and I need money for legal fees for my divorce. Then there is the issue of savings ….I decided to try look for a cheap deal.  I couldn’t find anything interesting for less than £500 and I am stressed not crazy so I settled on some pampering instead. I was looking for somewhere near work to have some spa treatments and De licious found somewhere 5 mins away from the office and booked me in.  I was actually quite happy and was looking forward to it all day.

I got to the Beauty Clinic and sat with the masseuse for  a consultation she asked me some basic questions about  why I wanted the massage (stress) what the triggers are (life) and then she gave me some tips on small things that I can do to make myself feel better(deep breaths and water)

The whole thing was uncomfortable and relaxing at the same time if that is even possible.  Uncomfortable because when she asked me what the triggers were I couldn’t actually open up and be honest with her.  I wish that the real reasons could roll off my tongue in a flippant and blasé manner, I wish that I could have turned to her and said  confidently “actually ..my husband abandoned me just over a year ago. Some days I feel like I have gotten over it on other days I lie awake thinking about how someone I loved more than anything in this world could be so vindictive and spiteful.  Some days I feel like if he could kill me or do something that would permanantely blot me from his memory / life he would. But he can’t so his guilt and shame make him try do things that will hurt me thus drive me further away from all all our old friends and our old life together.  But also away from this new life and identity he has created for himself. I only ever celebrated his successes and tried to encourage him to do better by his family and for himself but he is envious of mine and seems determined to break me however he can.  I wish that I could have told her that my job - though I love it - is slowly sucking me under and some days I worry that its going to cause me to have a heart attack or something and I will die, an out of shape, over weight,  lonely , nearly divorced workaholic.  I could not say that my yo-yo dieting and comfort eating  frustrate me more than I care to admit.  I could not even start to complain about how I worry about my parents in Zimbabwe, about their health and welfare and this stresses me out more.

So when she asked if there are any factors, physical, emotional or otherwise that cause my stress I inhaled and flashed her my most dazzling smile and in a level and clear voice said “NO” - I lied.  I lied because I felt at the time that I did not want her pitying looks or sympathy. I lied because I know that its all part of her job and the truth would only make shit awkward for both of us.  Once out, its oppressive presence would have filled the room and made the atmosphere tense and a little bit unnerving. I lied because on the outside I am strong, organised, invincible, unstoppable, untiring. hardworking, career driven, goal orientated chipper all round happy go lucky, take it on the chin, good old me! I am from the “shit happens, suck it up tribe”

The massage was relaxing but I spent the first 20 minutes freaking out beacuse I felt so totally exposed as she rubbed lumps, bumps and kinks out of areas that no stranger should see.  I freaked out because on that table I felt extremely aware of my untoned physique and thighs and hips that spread out like warm butter when I lie down.  Then after a point I though ” fuck it” and I closed my eyes and made a concious decision not to give a damn.  And when she asked if everything was ok - I inhaled again and said “YES” even though some of it hurt like hell !!  ha ha ha !

C’est la vie.

I have been so busy at work that I have not been updating my blog as often as  I would like.  Today has been slightly better and so i thought that I’d fill ya’ll in.  Well this weekend was full of revelations and confessions.  It was totally surreal and I am actually still stunned at some of the stuff I heard.  I had the girls over on Saturday night ( the girls being my ex colleagues from a place that I used to work before I started at my present job) for our quarterly catch up session.  This normally involves plenty of wine, plenty of food and plenty of juicy gossip. One of my friends has been living with her boyfriend for the past 5 years and they have had a VERY tumultuous relationship.  On Saturday she announced that they had split up and that he would be moving out shortly.  We were all really happy for her as she has been miserable for the longest time.  He has also been cheating and has been caught out more than once! I have no problem with people sticking with their cheating no good partners but I think it was Tu Pac that said” keep your head up, legs closed, eyes open” I do worry about my friend catching HIV and becoming another statistic and I encourage people to take care of their health. Any way the stalker was calling her ALL NIGHT and in the end I got fed up and turned her phone off.  We were all feeling very empowered and generally  invincible (this may have something to do with wine that the 4 of us had downed ) I remember us telling her that her where abouts were no longer his concern and that it was time for her to break free!! She seemed to be enjoying her new found freedom and did not object and so we generally made merry for the rest of the night before we went to bed at about 1am………..then at 2:30am I heard my door bell ring - I rolled over and poked the chick whom I shall refer to as Thumbelina and said to her “your man is down stairs” at this point I had not checked to see who it was but I have dealt with enough psycho men (especially the ones that cheat) to know that there was no way that he was going to take the fact that she switched off her phone very well.

 

This loser is used to being in control, he is used to running her life what she wear what she eats etc, he also needs to be able to reach her whenever he wants where ever she is.   Now lets rewind a little….about half an hour before,  we were all nicely snuggled up in bed, some people slept on the floor and Thumbelina and I were in my bed and we were generally chatting about relationships and life when Thumbelina announced that she had something to tell us, we quietend down and waited expectantly and then she just came out with it “ I am bisexual”…………silence…………………………………I was in shock and was at a loss for words.  My first though was “what the ****!! She tells me this and is lying here in my bed with nothing between her and my scantily clad body except a duvet!!!! Then I thought I had better say something so I was like “its cool, it happens when did you know?” she told us that she had known since she was 12 and that she has been cheating on her man with some chick that lives up North.

 

Suddenly it all clicked into place, I finally understood why her man flew into a jealous rage when she said that she was coming to mine for a sleep over! Shortly after that the door bell rang and I knew immediately that it was him.  So I climbed out of bed and went to the living room and stuck my head out of the window to see who was at the door (the joys of living in a 1^st floor apartment) I could not see any one but when I called out a gruff voice shouted back “tell Thumbelina to come down here please” Now part of me was like hell no mother f*cker you don’t know me like that! How dare he turn up at 2:30 in the morning, give me commands , disregard the fact that my neighbours were sleeping and stand at my front door brazen as anything bringing his fucked up drama to my house!!! I was pissed at my friend for letting her man treat her like a kid and I was pissed at my self for not having a man around to go downstairs and set this brother straight on etiquette and proper behaviour!!!!

 

So Thumbelina went down stairs and they started having a heated argument at the base of the stairs leading up to my flat – they stood there hissing angrily at each other for 20 minutes, he told her to get her stuff and come home – she refused, he asked her who was in my flat – she said “people”, he told her that he wanted to come up and see for himself and she said “no” - just as well because the only reason I did not call the police when he turned up was because a/ he was out side, there were 2 doors and a flight of stairs between us, b/ my friend had to go back to the house where he lives the next day c/ I did not want to  alarm my neighbours and the fact that the fool used the word “please” told me that he was pissed off but not totally insane!

Had he tried to climb the stairs And enter my flat – you would be reading a very different story!! I don’t mess, I have the police on speed dial and it’s a sad but true fact that they will not hesitate to “correct” a brother!! This country is not a very good place to be if you are a black man at the best of times!!

 

So they had it out downstairs and eventually she came back up stairs a bit shaky but feeling empowered, clutching a Nokia charger!! Apparently she told him that her battery died and that’s why she was incommunicado.  I kind of felt sorry for the dude though – at one point I could hear the desperation in his voice as he pleaded with her to come home – he had been going through her stuff after she had left and logged on to her e-mail account  only to discover some steamy, sexy mails from Thumbelina to her lesbian lover and that tipped the guy over the edge.

 

I not quite sure what to make of it all, to be honest I was relieved when they all left my house the next day. On Sunday I went to a lovely gastro pub with a friend that I had not seen a while and had the best roast dinner I have had in ages washed down with come cider ( bring on the summer!!)

 

On Saturday during our little truth and reconciliation session it also transpired that I am the only one (our of that particular group of friends) that has not had a threesome! FREAKS!!!

 

They say that opportunity knocks once right? WRONG !!! Lately some strange shit has been happening.  I posted about a week ago about maybe finding myself a friend with benefits and is if by magic and ex boyfriend of mine contacted me yesterday out of the blue ( he does not know about this blog), not only was his text unexpected but the phone calls and subsequent conversation that took place were totally RANDOM for want of a better word.  He texted something along the lines of “hey sweetie, been a while guess your wedding plans are well underway – just a quick message to say hi, take care” I was stunned obviously he is totally behind on the latest news..so I rang him and broke it down (I got married- hubby absconds-moves in with ho-who used to be best mate of jilted wife- hubby spiteful and depraved- ho nasty skank- feel better off without both of them in my life-may the fleas of 10000000 camels infest themselves in their pubic hair) LMAO!!!!

That was the general gist. Everything was going swimmingly, he seemed genuinely horrified and gasped and tutted in all the right places and I did my best to keep the venom out of my voice and stay cool, calm and collected…..UNTIL he hit me with some shit that I was NOT expecting

 

Him: “ well he sounds like a fool – if he did not value you, you are better off without him” *hell yeah!!! But I was not about to agree*

Me : “mmmmmmmmmm” *trying to sound pensive*

Him: “If he did not value you as a wife he will regret it, I know that I would love to marry you if I had the chance”

Me: “WHAT?? Yeah right!”

Him: “ No I am serious breaking up with you is the one thing I regret most in my life” *I dumped him then changed my mind but by then he was so pissed of he said he needed a break- but lets not nitpick*

Me: “Wow – what are you trying to say?”

Him: “I miss you”

Me: (Nervous laughter )

Him “I am serious..”

Me More nervous laughter

Him: “stop laughing I am trying to talk to you to tell you how I feel, I always think about you , which is why I try keep in touch” *he does text and call every so often- I, however have a no call policy when it comes to exes*

Me: ……. “silence”….. *inside I am like SHIT this brother is serious!!*

Him: “ I would love to try again”

Me : …sigh…. *my whole friends with benefits thing comes to mind and I start toying with the possibility in my head*

Him: “say something if you don’t want to hear this tell me to stop and we will change the subject”

Me: ….more silence…………

Him: “ I don’t know what was wrong with me when we split up- I was going through some stuff and I wish that we could turn back time, you were the best thing in my life”

Me: ..tee hee (giggle) ….

Him: “ Say something ..if you don’t want to hear it ..change the subject….look I am coming to
London soon”

Me: “Lets change the subject!” and we did

 

Later when I was thinking about it, I asked myself why I waited so long before telling him to change the subject.  To be honest it was good to just hear him say that he regrets how things turned out. I loved him with all my heart and when we were together I threw him a HUGE 25^th birthday party/BBQ ( I don’t know why but I have a thing about throwing parties for boyfriends) He was sweet but hot tempered and his pig headedness used to irk me!! We were both so opinionated and were very similar in that we are both quite extrovert.  I don’t know about fanning the dead embers of old love… there are several pro’s and cons that I have listed below:

 

Pros:

 

You know what you are going to get , personality wise and in the sack (if my memory serves me correctly I never had any complaints)

I think it will be quite easy to fall back into that familiar level of comfort – which will mean less inhibitions and also we wont need to go through that awkward god-i-don’t-want-him-to-see-me-naked phase

He lives out of town and so I don’t have to have him lingering around me

Because he lives out of town I will see him sporadically and so our rendezvous would be something to look forward to

He regrets what happened which means if I did go back there I would have the upper hand-

He seems to be thinking about things..remorse is good!

 

 

Cons :

 

Regurgitated boyfriends???

I broke up with him for a reason

He current domestic situation is a mess – he has a kid with some woman and I don’t want the drama

He lives so far away

Hot temper

 

 

 

 

I am bored and have itches that need scratching and it seems the perfect opportunity has presented itself.  I am not looking for a “husband” lord knows I have already had one of those and he was useless! I am looking for some action! My only fear is that he has clingy potential.

 

On another note …I have a date with the French dude from last weekend who I shall now call Captain planet due to his whole environmental save the planet ways– we are going out on Sunday.  He has been calling and texting his little booty off and he is insisting on cooking me dinner- with my luck he is probably going to turn out to be one of those “feeders” that you see on TV who try ply you with pies until you get so fat that you cant walk!

 

Have a good weekend where ever you are.

After it was over I laid back and put my head on his shoulder and wriggled up until it lay in the crook of his neck.
We were both spent, sticky with sweat my mouth was dry and I could taste the beginnings of a sickening regret.
I looked to my left everything was pitch black obscured by the cover of night.
I looked to my right and I could make out some of his face and torso bathed in a single beam of moon light.
I had waited so long and at the time it felt so right but as he gripped my body and turned out the lights I felt something go out inside of me. I knew we would and could never be, just friends again.

I replayed the nights events in my head.
Earlier in the day I thought I  knew exactly what I wanted but I took a wrong turn along the straight and narrow and somehow ended up in this bed.
I can hear him, I can hear his soft and gentle breathing, I know his not sleeping perhaps he is silently grieving for the death of a beautiful friendship.
I want to say something before the awkwardness and stifiling silences set in. Before we become aware of our nakedness and become embarassed and self consious, before the moment when I can no longer look him in the eye comes.
I look left into the darkness of the night, I turn my head slightly to the right. I inhale quietly and whisper gently into the static, stale Saturday night air,softly…. “hey”
I do not know what else to say, the word hangs in the air for a moment and I immediately wish that I could catch it mid flight and stuff it back in between my lips.

He stirs and his hand tightens then losens its grip on my hip and he inhales my “hey”  deeply.
And in a voice that I know he uses when he is sleepy says “hey…..its going to be ok”
I can feel his coarse stubble on my forhead and it scratches me slightly as his mouth moves with every vowel and consonant.
I can’t believe that I have seen his naked body and could map its terrain out with my fingertips like continents, that I had only dared to visit when I was fast asleep.
I too tighten my grip across his belly because I long to hold onto this new territory and keep it in my possesion at least for a little while.
And I feel the ghost of a smile creep onto up my lips. I never would have guessed in the beginning of our friendship that he and I could end up like this. I look to my left I see nothing but lumps and shapes shrouded in the darkness of the night.  I look to my right and snuggle up to him closer for I know everything is going to change with the coming of daylight.

jenezh 23/03/09

Yesterday was a beautiful day De Licious and her man jumped the broom………..she is now a wife (again) it was a beautiful thing to witness. There was one point in the ceremony where he just turned to her and looked at her like there was no one else in the room. He was bursting with pride and I watched them last night at the reception drinks looking and acting very much like the power couple.  She was so happy, she looked amazing, and she worked the room with the air of someone who is in command  but more importantly secure and completely happy!  I was honoured to be involved in their day … and it was lovely.  After the wedding we went to her in laws for lunch and ate a whole lotta Sri Lankan food then went home to regroup and change for the nights festivities which were in a bar in central London.

T-nasty came and there was a whole lot of free booze (thanks to the married couple) and some nibbles and stuff.  The music was good and I was sooo tired that I knew if I drank and sat it was going to be curtains for me so T- nasty and I steadily drank our way through a couple of bottles of wine and danced our behinds off with a group of the grooms work mates - we quickly dubbed ourselves the “cool kids” and I was pleasantly surprised by the fat bespectacled white dude who was holding his own on the dance floor surrounded by a few tipsy “ethnic chicks”

So we drank and partied and I was so glad that none of the moody heifers from the hen night came Nasty and I left at around 11 because we were both shattered and she had stuff to do in the morning.  So we left and walked and giggled our way to the tube. On the way we were accosted by an Asian guy handing out leaflets for some bar and T-Nasty just turned to him and said:

“ where is a good bar to go meet black men as my friend needs to meet someone”
The flyer guy looked stunned and was like “I don’t know”
Me: “ where can we go to meet some nice Asian men?”
The flyer guy started laughing and said “I am not sure …I am not from here”

Then we got into a conversation about where he was from (cant remember) but then it emerged that he speaks French so we started prattling away in French when this guy walked past us, he stopped turned around and walked towards us.  You speak French ? He asked “yes”I replied then he just started talking from there.  Now I normally I try not to get chatted up in a semi inebriated state, I try put my best foot forward as boozy breath, blood shot eyes, fits of giggles and all that other stuff are not exactly sexy  but at that moment and time I really did not give a toss - so we chatted all the way to the station. T-nasty looked bemused and intrigued and we got to Piccadilly station and realised that he and I were going the same way for a few stops (he was headed north, I west)

So were chatted for a bit and he hit me with the usual stuff, do you have a man, a beautiful girl like you should not have to travel home alone. Then he asked for my number and offered to make me dinner one evening this week (dang I don’t know what it is that is making these men want to cook for me! that’s the 3rd one in 3 weeks LOL)  he asked for my number and I gave it to him, he called me this morning and we spoke for 2 hrs!! He explained that he works in the upper level of the bar where we were that night (coincidence) in the restaurant.  He is in his final year of his degree in Tourism Management, he is passionate about the environment and is involved in a few grassroots projects that provide education to local people (Africans) etc his hobbies include cycling, swimming and cooking dinner for friends.

When he called me this morning he asked how I felt, he asked if I had eaten breakfast I said yes, he asked what I had eaten I lied and said fruit (I actually ate egg and sausage lol) He advised me to drink lots of water and really was angling for an opening in the conversation so that he could suggest meeting up and going to the movies ..he hinted at it.  I was not in a rush to go anywhere.  He must be a chef  at the restaurant where he works because he mentioned cooking me dinner again ..I said maybe. I must say he is smooth - he said I should not have to make my own breakfast or coffee on a Sunday morning and that I should have someone to pamper and spoil and cuddle me !! LMAO (cheeky bugger)
To be honest me and my horny ass do NOT need to be going to a mans house to be wined and dined because lord knows where it will end up! 

One of the things he asked me last night was whether I am a Christian which surprised me as that’s not really first meeting stuff to talk about.  We spoke a little about it today and he has invited me to go with him to his church sometime. Again I said maybe - I DON’T want to be stuck in a funny happy clappy church on a Sunday afternoon without knowing what I am getting myself into …I want to know the doctrines of the church before I go because some of these churches especially the African ones can be weird ( a friend of mine has an ex who goes to a church where  they actually pray against people who have wronged them)

I don’t know ….this guy definitely caught my attention purely based on the fact that we had some good intellectually stimulating conversation and its been a while since a man flirted so unabashedly with me. As we spoke and flirted he revealed himself to be a stay at home and cuddle on the sofa kind of guy and thats one thing that I find quite attractive he spoke and I listened attentively for now he is offering dinner and intimacy.(for now,and I am mindful that my converstion is not the only thing that he is after)

The wary “jilted soon to be ex wife” in me is warning me to excersize caution and restraint.  But my inner ho is literally tap dancing with glee and delight.  I guess I will need to find a happy medium before I see him again ……………………………………if I see him again. Lord have mercy!

                    
Sometimes….

Sometimes I wish that I could fold myself away
and tuck in all the pieces of me, like Origami.
Sometimes I wish that I could lose myself in a place
where nobody can find me.
Sometimes I wish that I could hopscotch my way
out of the lines that the world uses to describe and define and confine me. So that I can grab them, and crack them like reigns
and gallop headfirst into the arms of my destiny
so that it can envelop me and I can be free.Giddyup!
Sometimes I want to blow daintily on the tough parts of life and
take small sips of it like a cup of hot tea so that I can smack my lips together and feel invigorated by the burning feeling in my throat and belly on its way down.

Sometimes I long to kiss and laugh and touch and I yearn and burn
with the need for intimacy.
Sometimes I care too much and I feel my fears and insecurities
contintinue to pile on top of me and the weight of them depresses me
and backs me into a corner.
And I reach a point  where I toy with the idea of dancing and prancing seductively with death.
Yet other times life’s beauty and splendour reminds me that everyday
is a blessing and I have not even really lived yet!
Sometimes I cry for no particular reason other than the fact that life can be so tragic.
Sometimes when I am in the throes of making love I cry because life can be like magic
Sometimes my vanity takes me by surprise other times I try see my self through the worlds eyes
and I really dont like what I see.
 And thats why I react badly to compliments because I cannot believe
that anyone could say and really mean nice things to me.
Sometimes I lie awake beacuse I am afraid that I will die in my sleep…and that no one will
find me for days …..and then I remind myself that as a woman that prays I should not even
think that God would allow such a thing to happen.(perhaps)
Sometimes I am so happy that I explode into song, put my best clothes on , hit the club and dance
like no one is watching all night long.

Sometimes I wish that I could bleach,rinse, wring and air my dirty laundry
for all to see in the hope that the world will find me blemish free and blameless.
I have a cache of faces that I wear and display on various social and special occasions.
Sometimes I feel like I could keep going for ever, some times it feels like I can never get enough,
or that it will never end.
Sometimes I talk to my self and I say “self that life so you really should’nt dwell on shit too much this is it live fast, love hard, be happy with what you have got”
And I am, and I do, and I try but only sometimes…………its hard.

19/03/09