Daughter of Eve

I have been thinking lately about my life ..more specifically my love life. My trip to
New York really opened my eyes!  The first thing that I realized about myself is that I am a good girl .  Honestly I was secretly hoping that my inner ho would manifest and I would have a random passionate holiday fling where I would romp around in wild abandon with some fine young man who would make muscles I long forgot about ache!!

But alas no- I was good, there was no snogging or groping and definitely no Vitamin S….which brings me back to the point that I am a good girl! I was thinking about my holiday and a small voice inside my head was whispering “why not! Why wait ? what are you waiting for?”  The answer is I don’t know.  I split up with Voldemort 15 months ago now and since then I have been celibate *shudders*

There I said it!! Its not that the opportunity has not presented its self. Its just that deep down inside I don’t think that I cant bring my self to bump uglies with someone I am not in a relationship with.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing – I do think though that sometimes, I over analyze things and this inhibits me from living a little.

I was trying to explain my desire to break free to my girl friends this weekend and all I got was suspicious and semi reproachful looks when I announced that I am thinking about getting a “friend with benefits”

More crudely known as a shag buddy.  I figure why wait?  I am bored and sometimes I am lonely and this would be a great solution to my current dilemma.  It’s like having all the benefits of a boyfriend minus the crap.

I mean everyone tells you to be good, have faith, that love will come when you are not looking for it, it will come in time blah blah blah.

If love comes when you are not looking I won’t have a problem then because I definitely won’t be looking around. I will have other things to focus on.  Also, what am I waiting for exactly?  I have dated, I have been married, I am in the middle of a divorce, heck I have pretty much done the full circuit and I am gearing up for round 2!  I love the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship – but seeing as it looks like its going to be a loooooooooooong time before that happens – why not have some fun with it?  I do realize that having a “friend with benefits” can be tricky – I have done it once before *I am a very good girl ..except when I am very bad * the last time I did it we ended up being together for 2 years ..which sounds like a relationship right?  WRONG! The difference between what we had and a relationship is that we were never really emotionally attached, he was convenient, cute, sexy, older.  I was young , stupid and also our little set up worked for him too as he always had somewhere stress free to come for food, drink and more.  I knew it was time to call it a day when I started coming home to find him chilling on my couch, playing my play station eating my food and once the brother had the nerve to ask me if he could borrow some money – I said no and realized that he had to go!!  I have said in previous posts I am a sucker for a brother with a sob story and so I was taken in by his whole “I am a good person that has been dealt a bad hand by life, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents crap” whilst I acknowledge that life can be tough and cruel, unkind and all that jazz.  I am tired of men that talk about it – if you want to change your situation be about it and do something! Work 2 jobs! Quit whining and get on with it!

I used to have a few male friends that could be potential “friends with benefits” You know the type, guys who you flirt with but are not really boyfriend material because they are commitment phobes, have a dodgy accents, live too far away to be useful etc  I would never mess around with someone who is in a relationship or married and to be honest I don’t know any guys that I would hook up with in that way at the moment.  I do know that if I ever went there again, it would need to be on my terms (as usual) so that I don’t feel like I am someones booty call, I would need to prepare myself mentally (so I don’t become attached and have the strength and wisdom to pull back when I do)  I would need to prepare myself physically (coz that shit needs stamina LMAO!!)

On the real though, I am all talk ….i am waaay too scared of getting coughs and colds and sneezes and dangerous diseases!! If there is one thing I learnt about my “friend with benefits” experience its that I came out GRATEFUL for my health, I was messing with him but only god knows who else he was messing with.  It’s a dangerous game, all it takes is one accident and voila as if by magic you get a big dose of HIV!! I had an AIDS test a few years ago – before I got married and it was the scariest thing that I have ever done, remember feeling so sick with worry that I literally started crying.  For those that have not experienced it ..

You go into a room with the nurse/doctor who does the test.  They start by asking you how many people you have bumped uglies with, where they were from (what country) , when the last encounter was etc Then they give you a chat about the virus and about how it is not an automatic death sentence and about how you can still live a healthy happy life, then they jab you in the finger and put a few drops of your blood on a thing that looks like a pregnancy test.  Then you wait……………………it’s the wait that gets you……………………..i thought long and hard about my family, my life everything…….when I finally got a negative result I could have kissed the nurse and I literally jumped with joy.  I have not been with very many people and even then I have been careful but there is always the once….there is always the small chance that you got it….there is always that one dude that was always a little too much of a good time boy!  I gained some perspective that day,

I would love to flip from being a “housewife to ho” but to be honest – I know that if I did …..my conscience would never let me sleep