Daughter of Eve

 So Valentines Day came and went without any major incidents – Phew! Honestly sometimes my life feels like an old r’n’b tune.  Not this modern fluff I mean the days when people sang real music like this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd5c7kdoQBc&feature=related (I actually also really rate the Beyonce version)

Anyway I actually had a good valentines day – good meaning I spent the day in bed recovering from a night out with the girls and then got my butt up and went to work for a night shift at the old fogies home.

Last year was a different story – I want to a house party a week before valentines and bumped into a host of people who kept looking behind me expectantly expecting me to be with the EX as usual and then the inevitable torrent of questions came ..How are you? Good to see you! Where is Voldemort? (he who shall not be named I will call him that from now on as the name is a perfect fit for the EX also I don’t do naming and shaming) After gritting my teeth and baring it between making polite conversation and swigging copious bottles of alcohol the inevitable happened…drum roll please..……DRINK
AND DIAL ….bad move!! *visibly shudders*

I actually remember pretty much everything I said in fact I think I accused him of trying to kill me “because for this pain is akin with death and for you to inflict this level of pain on me must mean that you want to kill me” LMAO Wow poetic even in inebriation *pats herself on the back* For real though its good that I can laugh about it now- at the time I felt like I was dying, I felt like dying, I used to do the whole spontaneous tears thing which is most inconvenient.  Any way I saw Voldemort on Tuesday at his request ( he always seems to want to see me every 3 months or so) normally it’s for something trivial like his mail etc.  Any way we met up and he does not look/sound like he is in a good place (you make your bed you must lie in it, you reap what you sow, I could go on all day!!) Anyway he was just talking a whole lot of noise and to be honest as he sat opposite me I looked at him and initially was a bit intrigued then repulsed? I put that question mark there because I am not sure if that is too strong a word but my nose is wrinkling even as I type this and I and trying to identify and name what I am feeling.  It was a mixture of pity and disgust – I was also kind of disgusted with myself – I went home thinking what the hell was I thinking?  I wasted 12 months crying and hurting over that?? Damn what a waste of time! I guess its not really wasted time as I needed to go through all the emotions etc to come out sane on the other end he on the other hand is still living in his little bubble of INSANIA and I was actually caught between wanting to laugh and run.  Now I must hasten to add this is such a new thing for me as usually when I see him I feel really low for days after – but I could have literally skipped home – I was happy because it dawned on me that whatever power he still had over me including the power to hurt my feelings had gone TOTALLY.  I felt nothing….woo hoo!  Now I am just looking forward to getting divorced and I think after my emancipation party (my girlfriends are throwing a big one for me) I may just take my behind off to Barbados /Cancun/The Maldives heck anywhere I damn well please because I will be free, I earn my own money, have my own business and I am thriving independently of him ( I am not sure he can say the same)  I am off to Paris this weekend for a few days (business) then off to New York 3 days after I get back (PLEASURE) and Estelle said “I’m liking those American Boys”

Anyway I wrote this- I guess this is what I would say if I saw her. …“her” being the chick that I was mates with for half of my life until she and Voldemort decided to bump uglies and become an item *wretches then pukes* its untitled so holler if you have any suggestions.

I hide in the secrets that you keep from each other

I am the niggling insecurities that swirl around in your head

I live in the space between your bodies at night in your bed

I scream in the unspoken words you fear to speak,

I rejoice in that fear because I am strong and you are weak

I am that pang in your belly when you feel uneasy about your relationship.

And I am the vessel from which he feeds you his sugar coated bullshit.

Everytime he touches you, know that he is doing to you what

He has already done to me.

Everytime you look at his hands know that the fourth digit

Of his left hand is where his wedding ring should be.

Know that he proposed to me, He married me and remember

That there are two sides to every story.

And as you sigh and smile in your post colital glory know that you are just another

Speed bump in his lifes story you are not the beginning or his end.

You are not his wife – you are just the skank who used to be his wifes friend

There is no honour in your actions and no matter how hard you may lie or try to justify this shit

Know that it still stinks and will always stick to you.

.

Remember ….I wept when I heard the news about the death of your mother

I was there for you through the death of your father and brother.

I know you and your whole lifes story.

I looked after you when your own relatives were not bothered about your upkeep.

So tell me …how do you manage to sleep and night, as you creep at night with a man who is married to me?

You deserve each other, two emotionally barren morally corrupt promiscuous people

Pretending to be something they are not.  Remember that there are a host of people

That know the truth even though you have a new circle of friends and try hide the truth that you have both conveniently fogot.

Both products of a dysfunctional childhood that is marred and scarred by your parents promiscuity

You are both products and the victims of that and I refuse to let you make a victim of me.

You see life goes on and I have the love and support of my real friends and family.

And although my ego is bruised I chose to clothe myself in dignity.

As you skulk around in the shadows pretending to the world that everything is alright

Know that everything done in the dark will one day come to light.

When you need to hurt other people to get what you think you want

Know that the shame will always haunt you as you continue to pretend it does’nt faze you

But you cant deny the truth and the your shame will keep you in captivity

And if you look into each other eyes deeply and stop seeing only what you want to see

There you will see me

16/02/09