Daughter of Eve

As part of my “rehabilitation” I have been thinking about myself, my thought processes and about the decisions I have made in the past. One of the things that dawned on me and hit me big time was that all but one of the guys I have dated in MY WHOLE LIFE (well since the age of 14) have come from Broken homes.

Now before people start getting offended or defensive – its not a childs fault that they are born into a broken home and a child cannot be held responsible or blamed for issues that adults should have the sense to deal with better.

BUT

I strongly believe that a persons upbringing does play a major part in shaping how that person will turn out in the future.  Now I am not for one second saying that if a person is raised by alcoholic parents they will automatically be an alcoholic, no on the contrary I think if a child is raised by alcoholics it will influence the way that that person looks at and deals / feels about alcohol.

I think my first problem is I  am a sucker for a sob story.  I guess I have this “J will fix it” attitude which has gotta go.  I have realized that I cant fix some things and some things are just too broken to be fixed. Also I think with people – some people just don’t want to be fixed and so its not fair for me to want to impose my will on that person.  I figure maybe that’s why I always end up in this nurturer type of role in relationships and friendships I genuinely do not like seeing people I care about hurting. And if I can cook you a meal or do small things that will make you more comfortable or feel better I will.  Some believe that I actually enjoyed running around after them.  No necessarily – there is a sense of satisfaction that you get from doing something nice for someone or making someone feel special BUT I did not always enjoy doing it – some times in relationships I forced my self to do things out of love.

I have also learnt to be more cautious about who I go out with – I have always been quite fussy but lately it dawned on me  that I have basically been dating the same man for the past 10 years – he has just had different names and entered my life at different stages with a different angle.  I have resolved to be more aware of a persons relationship with their family in particular their fathers.  Most of the guys I have dated have had big time issues with their dads spanning from deep seated and unsettling loathing to fear to indifference but one thing has been typical of all of them all and that has been feeling of inadequacy/ resentment caused by bad relationships with their dads.

I have gone out with guys who have had to be the best and the top of everything they do – in a bid to out do their dads.  Or guys with major self esteem issues due to feeling and (often being) unloved by their dads. I have gone out with guys who are jealous/violent/aggressive when frustrated because of what they learnt from their dads.
Another thing I have really decided to look at is the relationships that their fathers have with women.  I went out with a guy once and indeed know a few guys (you know who you are) who thought nothing of having several girlfriends on the go because this is what they had seen and learnt from their fathers and uncles.

I have also resolved to be more aware of how their fathers have coped with adversity – with all of these guys their dads had walked out on their moms.  And although its not a guaranteed self fulfilling prophecy it should definitely ring warning bells.

I think nothing in life can fully prepare you for the complexities of a relationship between a man and a woman – but there is a poem entitled “ Children Learn with what they live” which sums what I am trying to say perfectly.

Children learn with what they live
by Dorothy Law Nolte (1924 - 2005)
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

A guy I know and I had this conversation on Saturday and he – having never known his dad felt that I was unfairly excluding him and loads of other guys as potential partners/boyfriends etc and I guess I am to a degree. I am not saying I will never go out with a guy from a broken home again but I will definitely be more aware of the family dynamics.

I guess the final thing I have decided to look out for is a mans view on marriage – is marriage a sacred bond that you should respect and honour and cherish.  Or is it just a formality that takes place because your family say so and its just a piece of paper that basically means you can co – habitate and knock boots without stress from the family.

I am far from perfect and I realize that I am blessed to have the family and love and support that I have in my life.  I am grateful to god because I know I was fortunate – my family is not perfect –far from it.in fact I don’t think any family or relationship or childhood is. But recent events showed me what kind of people my parents are- though shit went down NOT ONE angry of gleeful or hurtful thing was said .
 My parents encouraged me to pray and to forgive.  They have their problems too – but their dignity and unity inspires me and there is a lot to be said about that.