Daughter of Eve

Ok so I lied.  I have had THE MOST stressful week at work and I have been looking for ways to destress, especially this weekend.  The holidays are always a bit weird because unlike the weekend everyone and everything winds down. My week started in pretty much the same way  that it has been starting for the last month- hard and fast.   I am working on what’s probably the toughest project of my career with the toughest client.  Lets just say French people don’t hold back when they are not happy. Unfortunately there are a lot of things that the client is unhappy about and the penalties associated are harsh! I am finishing work at unspeakable hours and am working weekends, holidays you name it - add to that the fact that I have had to make a formal complaint to HR about a colleague and voila! The ideal recipie for “crash and burn” pie.  I feel like a junkie or something, I feel strung out and I have been functioning on adrenaline and virtually no sleep. I have even taken to drinking coffee which I used to find quite disgusting and my body is generally freaking out!!

So I decided to do something exotic this weekend and jet off on a weekend trip.  My bank balance is still recovering from New York last month and I need money for legal fees for my divorce. Then there is the issue of savings ….I decided to try look for a cheap deal.  I couldn’t find anything interesting for less than £500 and I am stressed not crazy so I settled on some pampering instead. I was looking for somewhere near work to have some spa treatments and De licious found somewhere 5 mins away from the office and booked me in.  I was actually quite happy and was looking forward to it all day.

I got to the Beauty Clinic and sat with the masseuse for  a consultation she asked me some basic questions about  why I wanted the massage (stress) what the triggers are (life) and then she gave me some tips on small things that I can do to make myself feel better(deep breaths and water)

The whole thing was uncomfortable and relaxing at the same time if that is even possible.  Uncomfortable because when she asked me what the triggers were I couldn’t actually open up and be honest with her.  I wish that the real reasons could roll off my tongue in a flippant and blasé manner, I wish that I could have turned to her and said  confidently “actually ..my husband abandoned me just over a year ago. Some days I feel like I have gotten over it on other days I lie awake thinking about how someone I loved more than anything in this world could be so vindictive and spiteful.  Some days I feel like if he could kill me or do something that would permanantely blot me from his memory / life he would. But he can’t so his guilt and shame make him try do things that will hurt me thus drive me further away from all all our old friends and our old life together.  But also away from this new life and identity he has created for himself. I only ever celebrated his successes and tried to encourage him to do better by his family and for himself but he is envious of mine and seems determined to break me however he can.  I wish that I could have told her that my job - though I love it - is slowly sucking me under and some days I worry that its going to cause me to have a heart attack or something and I will die, an out of shape, over weight,  lonely , nearly divorced workaholic.  I could not say that my yo-yo dieting and comfort eating  frustrate me more than I care to admit.  I could not even start to complain about how I worry about my parents in Zimbabwe, about their health and welfare and this stresses me out more.

So when she asked if there are any factors, physical, emotional or otherwise that cause my stress I inhaled and flashed her my most dazzling smile and in a level and clear voice said “NO” - I lied.  I lied because I felt at the time that I did not want her pitying looks or sympathy. I lied because I know that its all part of her job and the truth would only make shit awkward for both of us.  Once out, its oppressive presence would have filled the room and made the atmosphere tense and a little bit unnerving. I lied because on the outside I am strong, organised, invincible, unstoppable, untiring. hardworking, career driven, goal orientated chipper all round happy go lucky, take it on the chin, good old me! I am from the “shit happens, suck it up tribe”

The massage was relaxing but I spent the first 20 minutes freaking out beacuse I felt so totally exposed as she rubbed lumps, bumps and kinks out of areas that no stranger should see.  I freaked out because on that table I felt extremely aware of my untoned physique and thighs and hips that spread out like warm butter when I lie down.  Then after a point I though ” fuck it” and I closed my eyes and made a concious decision not to give a damn.  And when she asked if everything was ok - I inhaled again and said “YES” even though some of it hurt like hell !!  ha ha ha !

C’est la vie.

I have been so busy at work that I have not been updating my blog as often as  I would like.  Today has been slightly better and so i thought that I’d fill ya’ll in.  Well this weekend was full of revelations and confessions.  It was totally surreal and I am actually still stunned at some of the stuff I heard.  I had the girls over on Saturday night ( the girls being my ex colleagues from a place that I used to work before I started at my present job) for our quarterly catch up session.  This normally involves plenty of wine, plenty of food and plenty of juicy gossip. One of my friends has been living with her boyfriend for the past 5 years and they have had a VERY tumultuous relationship.  On Saturday she announced that they had split up and that he would be moving out shortly.  We were all really happy for her as she has been miserable for the longest time.  He has also been cheating and has been caught out more than once! I have no problem with people sticking with their cheating no good partners but I think it was Tu Pac that said” keep your head up, legs closed, eyes open” I do worry about my friend catching HIV and becoming another statistic and I encourage people to take care of their health. Any way the stalker was calling her ALL NIGHT and in the end I got fed up and turned her phone off.  We were all feeling very empowered and generally  invincible (this may have something to do with wine that the 4 of us had downed ) I remember us telling her that her where abouts were no longer his concern and that it was time for her to break free!! She seemed to be enjoying her new found freedom and did not object and so we generally made merry for the rest of the night before we went to bed at about 1am………..then at 2:30am I heard my door bell ring - I rolled over and poked the chick whom I shall refer to as Thumbelina and said to her “your man is down stairs” at this point I had not checked to see who it was but I have dealt with enough psycho men (especially the ones that cheat) to know that there was no way that he was going to take the fact that she switched off her phone very well.

 

This loser is used to being in control, he is used to running her life what she wear what she eats etc, he also needs to be able to reach her whenever he wants where ever she is.   Now lets rewind a little….about half an hour before,  we were all nicely snuggled up in bed, some people slept on the floor and Thumbelina and I were in my bed and we were generally chatting about relationships and life when Thumbelina announced that she had something to tell us, we quietend down and waited expectantly and then she just came out with it “ I am bisexual”…………silence…………………………………I was in shock and was at a loss for words.  My first though was “what the ****!! She tells me this and is lying here in my bed with nothing between her and my scantily clad body except a duvet!!!! Then I thought I had better say something so I was like “its cool, it happens when did you know?” she told us that she had known since she was 12 and that she has been cheating on her man with some chick that lives up North.

 

Suddenly it all clicked into place, I finally understood why her man flew into a jealous rage when she said that she was coming to mine for a sleep over! Shortly after that the door bell rang and I knew immediately that it was him.  So I climbed out of bed and went to the living room and stuck my head out of the window to see who was at the door (the joys of living in a 1^st floor apartment) I could not see any one but when I called out a gruff voice shouted back “tell Thumbelina to come down here please” Now part of me was like hell no mother f*cker you don’t know me like that! How dare he turn up at 2:30 in the morning, give me commands , disregard the fact that my neighbours were sleeping and stand at my front door brazen as anything bringing his fucked up drama to my house!!! I was pissed at my friend for letting her man treat her like a kid and I was pissed at my self for not having a man around to go downstairs and set this brother straight on etiquette and proper behaviour!!!!

 

So Thumbelina went down stairs and they started having a heated argument at the base of the stairs leading up to my flat – they stood there hissing angrily at each other for 20 minutes, he told her to get her stuff and come home – she refused, he asked her who was in my flat – she said “people”, he told her that he wanted to come up and see for himself and she said “no” - just as well because the only reason I did not call the police when he turned up was because a/ he was out side, there were 2 doors and a flight of stairs between us, b/ my friend had to go back to the house where he lives the next day c/ I did not want to  alarm my neighbours and the fact that the fool used the word “please” told me that he was pissed off but not totally insane!

Had he tried to climb the stairs And enter my flat – you would be reading a very different story!! I don’t mess, I have the police on speed dial and it’s a sad but true fact that they will not hesitate to “correct” a brother!! This country is not a very good place to be if you are a black man at the best of times!!

 

So they had it out downstairs and eventually she came back up stairs a bit shaky but feeling empowered, clutching a Nokia charger!! Apparently she told him that her battery died and that’s why she was incommunicado.  I kind of felt sorry for the dude though – at one point I could hear the desperation in his voice as he pleaded with her to come home – he had been going through her stuff after she had left and logged on to her e-mail account  only to discover some steamy, sexy mails from Thumbelina to her lesbian lover and that tipped the guy over the edge.

 

I not quite sure what to make of it all, to be honest I was relieved when they all left my house the next day. On Sunday I went to a lovely gastro pub with a friend that I had not seen a while and had the best roast dinner I have had in ages washed down with come cider ( bring on the summer!!)

 

On Saturday during our little truth and reconciliation session it also transpired that I am the only one (our of that particular group of friends) that has not had a threesome! FREAKS!!!

 

After it was over I laid back and put my head on his shoulder and wriggled up until it lay in the crook of his neck.
We were both spent, sticky with sweat my mouth was dry and I could taste the beginnings of a sickening regret.
I looked to my left everything was pitch black obscured by the cover of night.
I looked to my right and I could make out some of his face and torso bathed in a single beam of moon light.
I had waited so long and at the time it felt so right but as he gripped my body and turned out the lights I felt something go out inside of me. I knew we would and could never be, just friends again.

I replayed the nights events in my head.
Earlier in the day I thought I  knew exactly what I wanted but I took a wrong turn along the straight and narrow and somehow ended up in this bed.
I can hear him, I can hear his soft and gentle breathing, I know his not sleeping perhaps he is silently grieving for the death of a beautiful friendship.
I want to say something before the awkwardness and stifiling silences set in. Before we become aware of our nakedness and become embarassed and self consious, before the moment when I can no longer look him in the eye comes.
I look left into the darkness of the night, I turn my head slightly to the right. I inhale quietly and whisper gently into the static, stale Saturday night air,softly…. “hey”
I do not know what else to say, the word hangs in the air for a moment and I immediately wish that I could catch it mid flight and stuff it back in between my lips.

He stirs and his hand tightens then losens its grip on my hip and he inhales my “hey”  deeply.
And in a voice that I know he uses when he is sleepy says “hey…..its going to be ok”
I can feel his coarse stubble on my forhead and it scratches me slightly as his mouth moves with every vowel and consonant.
I can’t believe that I have seen his naked body and could map its terrain out with my fingertips like continents, that I had only dared to visit when I was fast asleep.
I too tighten my grip across his belly because I long to hold onto this new territory and keep it in my possesion at least for a little while.
And I feel the ghost of a smile creep onto up my lips. I never would have guessed in the beginning of our friendship that he and I could end up like this. I look to my left I see nothing but lumps and shapes shrouded in the darkness of the night.  I look to my right and snuggle up to him closer for I know everything is going to change with the coming of daylight.

jenezh 23/03/09

                    
Sometimes….

Sometimes I wish that I could fold myself away
and tuck in all the pieces of me, like Origami.
Sometimes I wish that I could lose myself in a place
where nobody can find me.
Sometimes I wish that I could hopscotch my way
out of the lines that the world uses to describe and define and confine me. So that I can grab them, and crack them like reigns
and gallop headfirst into the arms of my destiny
so that it can envelop me and I can be free.Giddyup!
Sometimes I want to blow daintily on the tough parts of life and
take small sips of it like a cup of hot tea so that I can smack my lips together and feel invigorated by the burning feeling in my throat and belly on its way down.

Sometimes I long to kiss and laugh and touch and I yearn and burn
with the need for intimacy.
Sometimes I care too much and I feel my fears and insecurities
contintinue to pile on top of me and the weight of them depresses me
and backs me into a corner.
And I reach a point  where I toy with the idea of dancing and prancing seductively with death.
Yet other times life’s beauty and splendour reminds me that everyday
is a blessing and I have not even really lived yet!
Sometimes I cry for no particular reason other than the fact that life can be so tragic.
Sometimes when I am in the throes of making love I cry because life can be like magic
Sometimes my vanity takes me by surprise other times I try see my self through the worlds eyes
and I really dont like what I see.
 And thats why I react badly to compliments because I cannot believe
that anyone could say and really mean nice things to me.
Sometimes I lie awake beacuse I am afraid that I will die in my sleep…and that no one will
find me for days …..and then I remind myself that as a woman that prays I should not even
think that God would allow such a thing to happen.(perhaps)
Sometimes I am so happy that I explode into song, put my best clothes on , hit the club and dance
like no one is watching all night long.

Sometimes I wish that I could bleach,rinse, wring and air my dirty laundry
for all to see in the hope that the world will find me blemish free and blameless.
I have a cache of faces that I wear and display on various social and special occasions.
Sometimes I feel like I could keep going for ever, some times it feels like I can never get enough,
or that it will never end.
Sometimes I talk to my self and I say “self that life so you really should’nt dwell on shit too much this is it live fast, love hard, be happy with what you have got”
And I am, and I do, and I try but only sometimes…………its hard.

19/03/09

 

I have been thinking lately about my life ..more specifically my love life. My trip to
New York really opened my eyes!  The first thing that I realized about myself is that I am a good girl .  Honestly I was secretly hoping that my inner ho would manifest and I would have a random passionate holiday fling where I would romp around in wild abandon with some fine young man who would make muscles I long forgot about ache!!

 

But alas no- I was good, there was no snogging or groping and definitely no Vitamin S….which brings me back to the point that I am a good girl! I was thinking about my holiday and a small voice inside my head was whispering “why not! Why wait ? what are you waiting for?”  The answer is I don’t know.  I split up with Voldemort 15 months ago now and since then I have been celibate *shudders*

There I said it!! Its not that the opportunity has not presented its self. Its just that deep down inside I don’t think that I cant bring my self to bump uglies with someone I am not in a relationship with.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing – I do think though that sometimes, I over analyze things and this inhibits me from living a little.

 

I was trying to explain my desire to break free to my girl friends this weekend and all I got was suspicious and semi reproachful looks when I announced that I am thinking about getting a “friend with benefits”

More crudely known as a shag buddy.  I figure why wait?  I am bored and sometimes I am lonely and this would be a great solution to my current dilemma.  It’s like having all the benefits of a boyfriend minus the crap.

I mean everyone tells you to be good, have faith, that love will come when you are not looking for it, it will come in time blah blah blah.

 

If love comes when you are not looking I won’t have a problem then because I definitely won’t be looking around. I will have other things to focus on.  Also, what am I waiting for exactly?  I have dated, I have been married, I am in the middle of a divorce, heck I have pretty much done the full circuit and I am gearing up for round 2!  I love the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship – but seeing as it looks like its going to be a loooooooooooong time before that happens – why not have some fun with it?  I do realize that having a “friend with benefits” can be tricky – I have done it once before *I am a very good girl ..except when I am very bad * the last time I did it we ended up being together for 2 years ..which sounds like a relationship right?  WRONG! The difference between what we had and a relationship is that we were never really emotionally attached, he was convenient, cute, sexy, older.  I was young , stupid and also our little set up worked for him too as he always had somewhere stress free to come for food, drink and more.  I knew it was time to call it a day when I started coming home to find him chilling on my couch, playing my play station eating my food and once the brother had the nerve to ask me if he could borrow some money – I said no and realized that he had to go!!  I have said in previous posts I am a sucker for a brother with a sob story and so I was taken in by his whole “I am a good person that has been dealt a bad hand by life, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents crap” whilst I acknowledge that life can be tough and cruel, unkind and all that jazz.  I am tired of men that talk about it – if you want to change your situation be about it and do something! Work 2 jobs! Quit whining and get on with it!

 

I used to have a few male friends that could be potential “friends with benefits” You know the type, guys who you flirt with but are not really boyfriend material because they are commitment phobes, have a dodgy accents, live too far away to be useful etc  I would never mess around with someone who is in a relationship or married and to be honest I don’t know any guys that I would hook up with in that way at the moment.  I do know that if I ever went there again, it would need to be on my terms (as usual) so that I don’t feel like I am someones booty call, I would need to prepare myself mentally (so I don’t become attached and have the strength and wisdom to pull back when I do)  I would need to prepare myself physically (coz that shit needs stamina LMAO!!)

 

On the real though, I am all talk ….i am waaay too scared of getting coughs and colds and sneezes and dangerous diseases!! If there is one thing I learnt about my “friend with benefits” experience its that I came out GRATEFUL for my health, I was messing with him but only god knows who else he was messing with.  It’s a dangerous game, all it takes is one accident and voila as if by magic you get a big dose of HIV!! I had an AIDS test a few years ago – before I got married and it was the scariest thing that I have ever done, remember feeling so sick with worry that I literally started crying.  For those that have not experienced it ..

 

You go into a room with the nurse/doctor who does the test.  They start by asking you how many people you have bumped uglies with, where they were from (what country) , when the last encounter was etc Then they give you a chat about the virus and about how it is not an automatic death sentence and about how you can still live a healthy happy life, then they jab you in the finger and put a few drops of your blood on a thing that looks like a pregnancy test.  Then you wait……………………it’s the wait that gets you……………………..i thought long and hard about my family, my life everything…….when I finally got a negative result I could have kissed the nurse and I literally jumped with joy.  I have not been with very many people and even then I have been careful but there is always the once….there is always the small chance that you got it….there is always that one dude that was always a little too much of a good time boy!  I gained some perspective that day,

 

I would love to flip from being a “housewife to ho” but to be honest – I know that if I did …..my conscience would never let me sleep

I an frazzeled today.  The Christmas party ROCKED - that coupled with the fact that all my friends and i are having such a wicked time means that i am a very happy girl!!! I am exhausted though and so today i feel like i have been dragged though a hedge backwards.

 

1. When you are sad –I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Red Bull!!!!!! 2. When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile — I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you’re scared — we will high tail it out of here. 5. When you are worried — I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!! 6. When you are confused — I will use little words. 7. When you are sick –Stay away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have. 8. When you fall — I’ll pick you up and dust you off. 9. This is my oath…I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask — because you are my FRIEND! Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Of Love……………………….

This poem spoke to me the first time I ever read it ………..

They said to him “Speak to us of Love.”

He looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his feathers may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so he is for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height
and caresses your tenderest branches,
So shall he descend to your roots
and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you to cover yourself
and pass out of love’s door,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh,
but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives nothing but itself
and takes nothing but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
“God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

by Khalil Gibran