Daughter of Eve

The constant sound of sirens in my ears is beginning to vex me.  I feel perturbed , raw - there has just been a huge accident just outside my flat and the road is crammed with police cars, ambulances, cars belonging to specialist doctors the works.  I was chilling at home (read SLEEPING) when my cousin called me to say that she was coming to park her car in my driveway so that she could walk the approx 200 meters to the station and get the tube into town to meet her man.  She only lives around the corner and so I went downstairs expecting her to appear any second and she did on foot .  She explained that the police had cordoned off the road just before my house and that’s when I took a really good look and saw that the road was cordoned off both ways.  I walked her part of the way to the station and we literally had to cross the road and walk through the park in order to get past the cordoned off area and as we walked that’s when I saw the enormity of it. 4 cars and several bits of debris littered the road. One car was overturned and there were people trapped inside.  Crowds had begun to form of either end  of the road and on either end of the cordon effectively boxing the accident area in.  Now I must admit that  I looked as I walked past, driven by some kind of morbid curiosity - also the fact that I trained as a nurse once upon a time and have seen my fair share of guts and blood has meant that I am not squeamish about these things.  I left my cousin near the station and headed back home and that’s when I took a good look at the crowd, people had camera phones out and were taking videos , others were running from their homes and chattering in excited glee, grown women and men holding their young children in their arms creeping closer and closer to the police tape to get a better look (why would you bring your kids out of your home to see blood/guts/what looked like certain death)  Across the road from me there was an old man with a big camera taking pictures and that’s when I began to feel sick.  What is wrong with people? No one seemed particularly worried about the people trapped inside -the crowds just seemed to have some kind of blood lust- people scrambling for a better view of the mangled kids in the car, of the ambulances, of the police in fact there was only one guy who seemed visibly shaken.  Some dudes even tried to chat my cousin and I up, right there, by the broken glass and a scene so horrific it made my blood run cold.  

It was a painful reminder of my own mortality.  In a week where I have been to the doctors for a lump in my breast, been informed that my last blood test showed abnormal liver function results , bumped into the ex boyfriend of the woman my soon to be ex husband has shacked up with, been feeling generally out of sorts and this week has not been a very good week.  I feel anxious, agitated, stressed out and very VERY vulnerable.

I don’t know ..sometimes I despair, mankind seems to have lost all sense of humanity. Death is all around me in the papers, on the news, on the streets I guess its inevitable but sometimes I wish it wasn’t so in your face.

I have been so busy at work that I have not been updating my blog as often as  I would like.  Today has been slightly better and so i thought that I’d fill ya’ll in.  Well this weekend was full of revelations and confessions.  It was totally surreal and I am actually still stunned at some of the stuff I heard.  I had the girls over on Saturday night ( the girls being my ex colleagues from a place that I used to work before I started at my present job) for our quarterly catch up session.  This normally involves plenty of wine, plenty of food and plenty of juicy gossip. One of my friends has been living with her boyfriend for the past 5 years and they have had a VERY tumultuous relationship.  On Saturday she announced that they had split up and that he would be moving out shortly.  We were all really happy for her as she has been miserable for the longest time.  He has also been cheating and has been caught out more than once! I have no problem with people sticking with their cheating no good partners but I think it was Tu Pac that said” keep your head up, legs closed, eyes open” I do worry about my friend catching HIV and becoming another statistic and I encourage people to take care of their health. Any way the stalker was calling her ALL NIGHT and in the end I got fed up and turned her phone off.  We were all feeling very empowered and generally  invincible (this may have something to do with wine that the 4 of us had downed ) I remember us telling her that her where abouts were no longer his concern and that it was time for her to break free!! She seemed to be enjoying her new found freedom and did not object and so we generally made merry for the rest of the night before we went to bed at about 1am………..then at 2:30am I heard my door bell ring - I rolled over and poked the chick whom I shall refer to as Thumbelina and said to her “your man is down stairs” at this point I had not checked to see who it was but I have dealt with enough psycho men (especially the ones that cheat) to know that there was no way that he was going to take the fact that she switched off her phone very well.

 

This loser is used to being in control, he is used to running her life what she wear what she eats etc, he also needs to be able to reach her whenever he wants where ever she is.   Now lets rewind a little….about half an hour before,  we were all nicely snuggled up in bed, some people slept on the floor and Thumbelina and I were in my bed and we were generally chatting about relationships and life when Thumbelina announced that she had something to tell us, we quietend down and waited expectantly and then she just came out with it “ I am bisexual”…………silence…………………………………I was in shock and was at a loss for words.  My first though was “what the ****!! She tells me this and is lying here in my bed with nothing between her and my scantily clad body except a duvet!!!! Then I thought I had better say something so I was like “its cool, it happens when did you know?” she told us that she had known since she was 12 and that she has been cheating on her man with some chick that lives up North.

 

Suddenly it all clicked into place, I finally understood why her man flew into a jealous rage when she said that she was coming to mine for a sleep over! Shortly after that the door bell rang and I knew immediately that it was him.  So I climbed out of bed and went to the living room and stuck my head out of the window to see who was at the door (the joys of living in a 1^st floor apartment) I could not see any one but when I called out a gruff voice shouted back “tell Thumbelina to come down here please” Now part of me was like hell no mother f*cker you don’t know me like that! How dare he turn up at 2:30 in the morning, give me commands , disregard the fact that my neighbours were sleeping and stand at my front door brazen as anything bringing his fucked up drama to my house!!! I was pissed at my friend for letting her man treat her like a kid and I was pissed at my self for not having a man around to go downstairs and set this brother straight on etiquette and proper behaviour!!!!

 

So Thumbelina went down stairs and they started having a heated argument at the base of the stairs leading up to my flat – they stood there hissing angrily at each other for 20 minutes, he told her to get her stuff and come home – she refused, he asked her who was in my flat – she said “people”, he told her that he wanted to come up and see for himself and she said “no” - just as well because the only reason I did not call the police when he turned up was because a/ he was out side, there were 2 doors and a flight of stairs between us, b/ my friend had to go back to the house where he lives the next day c/ I did not want to  alarm my neighbours and the fact that the fool used the word “please” told me that he was pissed off but not totally insane!

Had he tried to climb the stairs And enter my flat – you would be reading a very different story!! I don’t mess, I have the police on speed dial and it’s a sad but true fact that they will not hesitate to “correct” a brother!! This country is not a very good place to be if you are a black man at the best of times!!

 

So they had it out downstairs and eventually she came back up stairs a bit shaky but feeling empowered, clutching a Nokia charger!! Apparently she told him that her battery died and that’s why she was incommunicado.  I kind of felt sorry for the dude though – at one point I could hear the desperation in his voice as he pleaded with her to come home – he had been going through her stuff after she had left and logged on to her e-mail account  only to discover some steamy, sexy mails from Thumbelina to her lesbian lover and that tipped the guy over the edge.

 

I not quite sure what to make of it all, to be honest I was relieved when they all left my house the next day. On Sunday I went to a lovely gastro pub with a friend that I had not seen a while and had the best roast dinner I have had in ages washed down with come cider ( bring on the summer!!)

 

On Saturday during our little truth and reconciliation session it also transpired that I am the only one (our of that particular group of friends) that has not had a threesome! FREAKS!!!

 

After it was over I laid back and put my head on his shoulder and wriggled up until it lay in the crook of his neck.
We were both spent, sticky with sweat my mouth was dry and I could taste the beginnings of a sickening regret.
I looked to my left everything was pitch black obscured by the cover of night.
I looked to my right and I could make out some of his face and torso bathed in a single beam of moon light.
I had waited so long and at the time it felt so right but as he gripped my body and turned out the lights I felt something go out inside of me. I knew we would and could never be, just friends again.

I replayed the nights events in my head.
Earlier in the day I thought I  knew exactly what I wanted but I took a wrong turn along the straight and narrow and somehow ended up in this bed.
I can hear him, I can hear his soft and gentle breathing, I know his not sleeping perhaps he is silently grieving for the death of a beautiful friendship.
I want to say something before the awkwardness and stifiling silences set in. Before we become aware of our nakedness and become embarassed and self consious, before the moment when I can no longer look him in the eye comes.
I look left into the darkness of the night, I turn my head slightly to the right. I inhale quietly and whisper gently into the static, stale Saturday night air,softly…. “hey”
I do not know what else to say, the word hangs in the air for a moment and I immediately wish that I could catch it mid flight and stuff it back in between my lips.

He stirs and his hand tightens then losens its grip on my hip and he inhales my “hey”  deeply.
And in a voice that I know he uses when he is sleepy says “hey…..its going to be ok”
I can feel his coarse stubble on my forhead and it scratches me slightly as his mouth moves with every vowel and consonant.
I can’t believe that I have seen his naked body and could map its terrain out with my fingertips like continents, that I had only dared to visit when I was fast asleep.
I too tighten my grip across his belly because I long to hold onto this new territory and keep it in my possesion at least for a little while.
And I feel the ghost of a smile creep onto up my lips. I never would have guessed in the beginning of our friendship that he and I could end up like this. I look to my left I see nothing but lumps and shapes shrouded in the darkness of the night.  I look to my right and snuggle up to him closer for I know everything is going to change with the coming of daylight.

jenezh 23/03/09

 

I have been thinking lately about my life ..more specifically my love life. My trip to
New York really opened my eyes!  The first thing that I realized about myself is that I am a good girl .  Honestly I was secretly hoping that my inner ho would manifest and I would have a random passionate holiday fling where I would romp around in wild abandon with some fine young man who would make muscles I long forgot about ache!!

 

But alas no- I was good, there was no snogging or groping and definitely no Vitamin S….which brings me back to the point that I am a good girl! I was thinking about my holiday and a small voice inside my head was whispering “why not! Why wait ? what are you waiting for?”  The answer is I don’t know.  I split up with Voldemort 15 months ago now and since then I have been celibate *shudders*

There I said it!! Its not that the opportunity has not presented its self. Its just that deep down inside I don’t think that I cant bring my self to bump uglies with someone I am not in a relationship with.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing – I do think though that sometimes, I over analyze things and this inhibits me from living a little.

 

I was trying to explain my desire to break free to my girl friends this weekend and all I got was suspicious and semi reproachful looks when I announced that I am thinking about getting a “friend with benefits”

More crudely known as a shag buddy.  I figure why wait?  I am bored and sometimes I am lonely and this would be a great solution to my current dilemma.  It’s like having all the benefits of a boyfriend minus the crap.

I mean everyone tells you to be good, have faith, that love will come when you are not looking for it, it will come in time blah blah blah.

 

If love comes when you are not looking I won’t have a problem then because I definitely won’t be looking around. I will have other things to focus on.  Also, what am I waiting for exactly?  I have dated, I have been married, I am in the middle of a divorce, heck I have pretty much done the full circuit and I am gearing up for round 2!  I love the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship – but seeing as it looks like its going to be a loooooooooooong time before that happens – why not have some fun with it?  I do realize that having a “friend with benefits” can be tricky – I have done it once before *I am a very good girl ..except when I am very bad * the last time I did it we ended up being together for 2 years ..which sounds like a relationship right?  WRONG! The difference between what we had and a relationship is that we were never really emotionally attached, he was convenient, cute, sexy, older.  I was young , stupid and also our little set up worked for him too as he always had somewhere stress free to come for food, drink and more.  I knew it was time to call it a day when I started coming home to find him chilling on my couch, playing my play station eating my food and once the brother had the nerve to ask me if he could borrow some money – I said no and realized that he had to go!!  I have said in previous posts I am a sucker for a brother with a sob story and so I was taken in by his whole “I am a good person that has been dealt a bad hand by life, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents crap” whilst I acknowledge that life can be tough and cruel, unkind and all that jazz.  I am tired of men that talk about it – if you want to change your situation be about it and do something! Work 2 jobs! Quit whining and get on with it!

 

I used to have a few male friends that could be potential “friends with benefits” You know the type, guys who you flirt with but are not really boyfriend material because they are commitment phobes, have a dodgy accents, live too far away to be useful etc  I would never mess around with someone who is in a relationship or married and to be honest I don’t know any guys that I would hook up with in that way at the moment.  I do know that if I ever went there again, it would need to be on my terms (as usual) so that I don’t feel like I am someones booty call, I would need to prepare myself mentally (so I don’t become attached and have the strength and wisdom to pull back when I do)  I would need to prepare myself physically (coz that shit needs stamina LMAO!!)

 

On the real though, I am all talk ….i am waaay too scared of getting coughs and colds and sneezes and dangerous diseases!! If there is one thing I learnt about my “friend with benefits” experience its that I came out GRATEFUL for my health, I was messing with him but only god knows who else he was messing with.  It’s a dangerous game, all it takes is one accident and voila as if by magic you get a big dose of HIV!! I had an AIDS test a few years ago – before I got married and it was the scariest thing that I have ever done, remember feeling so sick with worry that I literally started crying.  For those that have not experienced it ..

 

You go into a room with the nurse/doctor who does the test.  They start by asking you how many people you have bumped uglies with, where they were from (what country) , when the last encounter was etc Then they give you a chat about the virus and about how it is not an automatic death sentence and about how you can still live a healthy happy life, then they jab you in the finger and put a few drops of your blood on a thing that looks like a pregnancy test.  Then you wait……………………it’s the wait that gets you……………………..i thought long and hard about my family, my life everything…….when I finally got a negative result I could have kissed the nurse and I literally jumped with joy.  I have not been with very many people and even then I have been careful but there is always the once….there is always the small chance that you got it….there is always that one dude that was always a little too much of a good time boy!  I gained some perspective that day,

 

I would love to flip from being a “housewife to ho” but to be honest – I know that if I did …..my conscience would never let me sleep

 

 

 

 So Valentines Day came and went without any major incidents – Phew! Honestly sometimes my life feels like an old r’n’b tune.  Not this modern fluff I mean the days when people sang real music like this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd5c7kdoQBc&feature=related (I actually also really rate the Beyonce version)

Anyway I actually had a good valentines day – good meaning I spent the day in bed recovering from a night out with the girls and then got my butt up and went to work for a night shift at the old fogies home.

 

Last year was a different story – I want to a house party a week before valentines and bumped into a host of people who kept looking behind me expectantly expecting me to be with the EX as usual and then the inevitable torrent of questions came ..How are you? Good to see you! Where is Voldemort? (he who shall not be named I will call him that from now on as the name is a perfect fit for the EX also I don’t do naming and shaming) After gritting my teeth and baring it between making polite conversation and swigging copious bottles of alcohol the inevitable happened…drum roll please..……DRINK
AND DIAL ….bad move!! *visibly shudders*

 

I actually remember pretty much everything I said in fact I think I accused him of trying to kill me “because for this pain is akin with death and for you to inflict this level of pain on me must mean that you want to kill me” LMAO Wow poetic even in inebriation *pats herself on the back* For real though its good that I can laugh about it now- at the time I felt like I was dying, I felt like dying, I used to do the whole spontaneous tears thing which is most inconvenient.  Any way I saw Voldemort on Tuesday at his request ( he always seems to want to see me every 3 months or so) normally it’s for something trivial like his mail etc.  Any way we met up and he does not look/sound like he is in a good place (you make your bed you must lie in it, you reap what you sow, I could go on all day!!) Anyway he was just talking a whole lot of noise and to be honest as he sat opposite me I looked at him and initially was a bit intrigued then repulsed? I put that question mark there because I am not sure if that is too strong a word but my nose is wrinkling even as I type this and I and trying to identify and name what I am feeling.  It was a mixture of pity and disgust – I was also kind of disgusted with myself – I went home thinking what the hell was I thinking?  I wasted 12 months crying and hurting over that?? Damn what a waste of time! I guess its not really wasted time as I needed to go through all the emotions etc to come out sane on the other end he on the other hand is still living in his little bubble of INSANIA and I was actually caught between wanting to laugh and run.  Now I must hasten to add this is such a new thing for me as usually when I see him I feel really low for days after – but I could have literally skipped home – I was happy because it dawned on me that whatever power he still had over me including the power to hurt my feelings had gone TOTALLY.  I felt nothing….woo hoo!  Now I am just looking forward to getting divorced and I think after my emancipation party (my girlfriends are throwing a big one for me) I may just take my behind off to Barbados /Cancun/The Maldives heck anywhere I damn well please because I will be free, I earn my own money, have my own business and I am thriving independently of him ( I am not sure he can say the same)  I am off to Paris this weekend for a few days (business) then off to New York 3 days after I get back (PLEASURE) and Estelle said “I’m liking those American Boys”

 

Anyway I wrote this- I guess this is what I would say if I saw her. …“her” being the chick that I was mates with for half of my life until she and Voldemort decided to bump uglies and become an item *wretches then pukes* its untitled so holler if you have any suggestions.

 

I hide in the secrets that you keep from each other

I am the niggling insecurities that swirl around in your head

I live in the space between your bodies at night in your bed

I scream in the unspoken words you fear to speak,

I rejoice in that fear because I am strong and you are weak

I am that pang in your belly when you feel uneasy about your relationship.

And I am the vessel from which he feeds you his sugar coated bullshit.

 

Everytime he touches you, know that he is doing to you what

He has already done to me.

Everytime you look at his hands know that the fourth digit

Of his left hand is where his wedding ring should be.

Know that he proposed to me, He married me and remember

That there are two sides to every story.

And as you sigh and smile in your post colital glory know that you are just another

Speed bump in his lifes story you are not the beginning or his end.

You are not his wife – you are just the skank who used to be his wifes friend

There is no honour in your actions and no matter how hard you may lie or try to justify this shit

Know that it still stinks and will always stick to you.

.

 

Remember ….I wept when I heard the news about the death of your mother

I was there for you through the death of your father and brother.

I know you and your whole lifes story.

I looked after you when your own relatives were not bothered about your upkeep.

So tell me …how do you manage to sleep and night, as you creep at night with a man who is married to me?

 

You deserve each other, two emotionally barren morally corrupt promiscuous people

Pretending to be something they are not.  Remember that there are a host of people

That know the truth even though you have a new circle of friends and try hide the truth that you have both conveniently fogot.

Both products of a dysfunctional childhood that is marred and scarred by your parents promiscuity

You are both products and the victims of that and I refuse to let you make a victim of me.

You see life goes on and I have the love and support of my real friends and family.

And although my ego is bruised I chose to clothe myself in dignity.

As you skulk around in the shadows pretending to the world that everything is alright

Know that everything done in the dark will one day come to light.

 

When you need to hurt other people to get what you think you want

Know that the shame will always haunt you as you continue to pretend it does’nt faze you

But you cant deny the truth and the your shame will keep you in captivity

And if you look into each other eyes deeply and stop seeing only what you want to see

There you will see me

 

16/02/09