Daughter of Eve

So it has been ages since I updated my blog. I have been so ridiculously busy that I have had very little time to do much of anything. So much has happened but the thing that has been weighing on my mind is MEN or should I say the lack thereof!

I have been speaking to several friends recently who have been complaining about getting too much “loving” from their men. In fact my friend Goldens’ man is so horny that she has had to sleep in a semi sitting up position so he could not get to her “goodies” - we spent an hour on the phone talking about the steps she has had to take to guard her own ass because her new man is a 5 rounds-a -night kind of brother.

Another friend is quite smug at the fact that her hubby has just had his appendix removed and cant do any “strenuous excersize” for 4 weeks.  And my friend Crazy legs can’t even bake these days as a few weeks ago she was bending over to get some muffins out of the oven and her man “pounced”

Now with everyone complaining about getting an “overdose” of Vitamin S I seem to be the only one in my crew suffering from a serious deficiency. In fact I have been on drought for so long that my mates are threatening to send a letter to the Hague to beg the UN to send “food aid”
Seriously, things are dire and now I am starting to regret not hooking up with Mcfraud for a little bit.
The problem with that idea is that my withdrawal symptoms would have been even worse!! Think crack head fresh out of rehab being given a little hit of coke!

 I had to go cold turkey when hubby absconded and that was hard but was made easier by the fact that just the thought of him made me want to puke. Now I am at a any dude will do phase which is NOT GOOD.

I have started seriously looking at men in such a fucked up way and instead of looking at their faces my eyes keep trailing south …and I mean way south- have MERCY!
I watched Twilight the other night and found myself day dreaming about the lead actor Robert Pattinson who is totally not even my type.

All I am saying is people shouldn’t have naked flames near me because I will definitely go up in flames  like a pylon of  timber.

I have started to focus my “energy” on something more productive and so I am on a very strict diet.  I have stuck with it for 2 weeks so far and have lost almost 8kg’s which is not bad in my books.  Voldemort and I are nearly through and will start formal divorce proceedings  in about 8 weeks.  My friends are planning the BIGGEST divorce party ever ! We are calling it the Emancipation party and are going to go buck wild!!

Before I go I have a random question for y’all……I was recently invited to a “big girls only” night and I don’t know whether to be offended or not! I mean yeah I have plenty of junk in my trunk but I think it’s a bit fetishy- what think you??

Sorry for starting with such a controversial and loaded question but I have been doing something thinking and I am curious.  Not about the anatomical structure but I have been watching the news and I have realised that a lot of the troubles in the world are down to some pussy.

I was watching a comedienne on a show recently and she pointed out that someone somewhere is languishing in prison because they murdered/maimed somebody because of a woman or should I say because of some pussy.  Now what kind of  pussy is that?  Some woman somewhere has “stuff” that is soooooooooooooooooooooo good that people would even KILL for it?  Mine is definitely not  this type ..guys may have shoved each other a bit in a club over my shit my definitely never this!

Baby come back  - ( Addictive  Pussy)

I was speaking to a friend recently who has broken up with her man for the third time in just as many years and each time the brother comes back.  Not only does he come back after being dumped repeatedly but he has sworn his undying love and has said that he would do whatever it takes to make her happy.  Now this guy is the epitome of a good man.  He makes really good money, he is goal orientated and career driven , he loves his family and is respectful and kind, he worships the ground that she walks on.  They have their issues and she has her reasons for ending it but she also has what I call the addictive pussy.

You are MINE! - ( Possessive Pussy)

Then there is possessive pussy.  That is the type that causes fist fights in bars, late night drive-by’s , phone calls to check on where you are at all times of the day. Abusive if I cant have you no one will pussy. , I hate all your friends they are all jealous heifers that want to corrupt you and break us up pussy…. That is the pussy that attracts some hardcore jealous crazy I will bust the windows out of  your car type shit.

Sob story/ shifty - ( also known as loser pussy)

Mine probably fits in this category, this type seems to attract DRAMA, married/old/psycho /deadbeat men seem to find this pussy irrisitable.  it’s the type of pussy that should come with a warning from the Surgeon General.  I seem to be an old man magnet! I like my men a little older but dang a 50 year age gap is not an age gap its damn near paedophelia!! I actually was propositioned last night and I am still stunned, had I been wearing some body hugging, boob exposing , leg showing outfit with killer heels I would not have been surprised but I was in a long ass denim skirt and a t shirt.  I would class a majority of my exes in this category and  I know a fair few girls that seem to have the same kind of pussy as me.

I put a spell on you - ( the voodo pussy)

This is the type of pussy that seems to attract  those brothers that you just cant get out of your system.  He will do some crazy shit like not call you for 2 weeks even though he is your “man” he wont go out with any of your friends, he doesn’t really seem to pay much attention to you until he wants you in the sack and even then he probably wont spend the night.  I call this voodo pussy because you just cant seem to help yourself even though you know that you are not being treated right and are in a  generally fucked up situation.. You will avail yourself at the drop of a hat or should I say text message and you know deep down that it will never go anywhere

I am sure that there are plenty of other categories in fact I would love to hear your suggestions.  My mind is probably warped for even coming up with this shit but seriously even when I think back to my high school days, boys stole cars/borrowed money from friends to take girls out/borrowed clothes/ faked illnesses/ snuck out of school all in the hope of getting some pussy…man even great men have fallen because of it…so ladies humor me - what kind of pussy do you have?

 

 

Yeah…..I know……..I have seriously been neglecting my blogging duties – I am trying to get back into everything since my hols.  To be honest coming back has been a real downer as my holiday in
New York was seriously the BEST holiday of my life!!!!

 

Where to start – so K my “my wingman” and I hit NY with one thing in mind and that was to cram as much fun as possible into our meager 10 days in the big apple and boy did we meet our objective and more.

The clubs …………..wow the clubs were off the hook!! I particularly enjoyed APT where Q-tip is the resident dj.  We stayed with a friend of mine and her hubby ( I have known this girl since we were 3 because we went to nursery and junior school together) I had never met her husband before and he is one of the loveliest people I have ever met. They have been together for 9 years and married for 5 and are seriously sooo cute.  We arrived and her hubby was like girls this is your car for the duration of your hols – I have put you on the insurance etc. I was stunned –this guy did not know me at all but trusted me enough to give me the keys to his SUV!! I had to laugh though as I don’t have a license and K had left hers in the UK so although we had a car sitting in the drive way we had to bus/train it everywhere for the duration of our trip.  I don’t mind though as public transport is a great place to meet people as we later found out.  When we arrived we made a little pact to collect 15 numbers from men in 7 days ……..ladies I kid you not – we stopped on day 3 because there was no point we met and smashed our target within 72 hrs LOL.

 

The men were FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!! Goodness it was like being at the pick n’ mix counter at a candy store!  Black, white, latino, blackanese (black and Japanese) you name the mix it was there!! I actually behaved my self and did not get up close and personal with anyone whilst I was there …but if I had wanted to it would have been on for real.  Not that I am particularly fine (I think I am cute) but I don’t stop traffic or anything like that! I think it was a combination of the fact that we were generally carefree and happy so when people approached us we generally stopped and talked to them, we have “English” accents – again I don’t really think I have a particularly British accent BUT I did lay it on thick sometimes as the guys just LOVED it..seriously ….the conversation usually went…

 

Them: “ excuse me I couldn’t help over hearing that you ladies are looking for somewhere to listen to some live music..there is a nice place round the corner from here”

us: “ oh thank you very much – do you know the address?”

Them : “ sure its on the corner of … and …. You are not from around here are you? Where are you from?

Us : “ London” ( I was not going to start explaining about my half Zambian half zim heritage and K’s Malawian/Jamaican mix)

Them : “how long are you here for ? blah blah blah  if you ladies need someone to show you around here is my number call me anytime and I  would be happy to help…..and BAM!! As if by magic we had the number, the hook up on a place to go and the opportunity to do some harmless but ego stroking  flirting!!

 

 

The 2 key words that did the trick were London and holiday and I guess maybe some of the chancers thought that we may be up for a little holiday romance, others seemed generally intrigued by the accents and by the fact that London sounded so exotic.  Apparently only 1:20 Americans have passports so anywhere from outside of the states attracts interest.

 

Apart from the men (did I mention that they were FINE) I loved the space and I saw first hand how the quality of life is sooooo much better there than it is here.  I work for an American firm and am putting in for a transfer hopefully to leave sometime at the end of the year.  I hope it comes through because this place is starting to grate on me and I almost burst into tears when the pilot announced that we were about to land at Heathrow.  I have lived in Europe for the past 10 years and I need a change of scenery.  I guess – after my divorce is finalized and I have tied up some lose ends there will be nothing holding me back (apart from the US immigration peeps LOL)  I don’t feel that I have  a future here and although my boss is talking about Paris next year – I could not imagine anything worse that the grey drabness that is Europe.

 

 

Anyway whilst on hols I met a man…………he was a real estate major at uni and now has properties all over NY mainly in Brooklyn.  I will call him Brooklyn from now on………any way my friend and her man are a typical married couple in that they are constantly trying to hook their single friends up with other single people that they know.  One afternoon my mates hubby said “girls I will drive you to Jersey Gardens shopping mall” – we were like yippee!! So we piled in the car ..once on our way he announced that he wanted to make a little detour to see a friend – this detour turned out to be a bar (even though he does not drink) and his single friend happened to be there!! The “detour” lasted all afternoon and we all hung out in a little Irish bar called Mulligans in Hoboken.  The boys watched football – English premiere league and we pretended to be interested with what was happening on the screens.  I HATE SOCCER- but I played along anyway as everyone else was really into it.  To cut a long story short- we ended up linking up with Brooklyn later that night for cocktails and clubbing and he and I hit it off …he invited us to his apartment on Sat for dinner ..(that did not happen in the end)  so he wanted to link up for brunch on the Sunday……….we were not available and so he came over for Sunday lunch instead ( a lot of people came over – there were about 15 people in total) ..we hung out……..he took my e-mail add………and he is coming to London in 3 weeks!! ( he is coming on business I think)

 

So that’s how we left it – the day he took my e-mail add he dropped me a one line e-mail saying “ hey this is my e-mail add” I mailed him a short one back a couple of days later and have not heard back since – although I did chat to him very briefly over the weekend.  It was fun to flirt etc and we really clicked but I am worried about seeing/wanting things that are not really there.  Also I don’t know if I could handle long distance loving.  His sense of humor made him sexy and I have never really been with anyone who had their own money.  I am a sucker for a sob story so I always end up with these – I am broke but have a dream brothers.  Ladies THIS man has his own houses and apartments all over NY and is only 33- something in my head equates wealth with promiscuity and so I don’t know if I could cope (not that the man has even said anything along those lines…… I am just enjoying toying with various scenarios in my mind)

Ok so my date was a disaster of biblical proportions LOL typical …..

It was going swimmingly until…………………………he revealed his criminal past !! Lets just say he did something for 7 years that resulted in him being imprisoned for 5 years of which he served 2 and a half!

Geez I sure know how to pick em!! He actually said that the night we met was his first night out and about on the town post his release- no wonder he was all over me ini zvangu ini!!

Did I freak out ? No! in fact I was intrigued – I actually liked the fact that he was so candid and honest about his past we talked a lot about of stuff life, kids, families, divorce etc it was like a breath of fresh air.  He seems to have done a lot of soul searching as well as doing some courses via the open university in jail and so he seems to be “reloaded” and ready to get on with the rest of his life.

I know its bad but despite all the jail stuff part of me was still thinking “ he seems to be trying…I would still maybe give him a chance……I wonder if he is going to try snog me……god please can he try snog me LOL”  All this was before he unleashed the piece de resistance- he has been trying to date in the sense of going out and meeting new people and the Saturday before our date he went on a date with someone and ended up shagging her!! F*ck me talk about an OVERSHARE

 

THAT little piece of info totally killed it for me !! I mean what the fuck!! Any way he is on this whole knowing yourself tip blah blah he was a bit too Iyanla Vazant  for me so suffice it to say that s totally over …I don’t

Know what it is about me and the men I choose asi zvakaoma. J