After it was over I laid back and put my head on his shoulder and wriggled up until it lay in the crook of his neck.

I replayed the nights events in my head.
Earlier in the day I thought I  knew exactly what I wanted but I took a wrong turn along the straight and narrow and somehow ended up in this bed.
I can hear him, I can hear his soft and gentle breathing, I know his not sleeping perhaps he is silently grieving for the death of a beautiful friendship.
I want to say something before the awkwardness and stifiling silences set in. Before we become aware of our nakedness and become embarassed and self consious, before the moment when I can no longer look him in the eye comes.
I look left into the darkness of the night, I turn my head slightly to the right. I inhale quietly and whisper gently into the static, stale Saturday night air,softly…. “hey”
I do not know what else to say, the word hangs in the air for a moment and I immediately wish that I could catch it mid flight and stuff it back in between my lips.

He stirs and his hand tightens then losens its grip on my hip and he inhales my “hey”  deeply.
And in a voice that I know he uses when he is sleepy says “hey…..its going to be ok”
I can feel his coarse stubble on my forhead and it scratches me slightly as his mouth moves with every vowel and consonant.
I can’t believe that I have seen his naked body and could map its terrain out with my fingertips like continents, that I had only dared to visit when I was fast asleep.
I too tighten my grip across his belly because I long to hold onto this new territory and keep it in my possesion at least for a little while.
And I feel the ghost of a smile creep onto up my lips. I never would have guessed in the beginning of our friendship that he and I could end up like this. I look to my left I see nothing but lumps and shapes shrouded in the darkness of the night.  I look to my right and snuggle up to him closer for I know everything is going to change with the coming of daylight.

jenezh 23/03/09

Sometimes I wish that I could fold myself away
and tuck in all the pieces of me, like Origami.
Sometimes I wish that I could lose myself in a place
where nobody can find me.
Sometimes I wish that I could hopscotch my way
out of the lines that the world uses to describe and define and confine me. So that I can grab them, and crack them like reigns
and gallop headfirst into the arms of my destiny
so that it can envelop me and I can be free.Giddyup!
Sometimes I want to blow daintily on the tough parts of life and
take small sips of it like a cup of hot tea so that I can smack my lips together and feel invigorated by the burning feeling in my throat and belly on its way down.

Sometimes I long to kiss and laugh and touch and I yearn and burn
with the need for intimacy.
Sometimes I care too much and I feel my fears and insecurities
contintinue to pile on top of me and the weight of them depresses me
and backs me into a corner.
And I reach a point  where I toy with the idea of dancing and prancing seductively with death.
Yet other times life’s beauty and splendour reminds me that everyday
is a blessing and I have not even really lived yet!
Sometimes I cry for no particular reason other than the fact that life can be so tragic.
Sometimes when I am in the throes of making love I cry because life can be like magic
Sometimes my vanity takes me by surprise other times I try see my self through the worlds eyes
and I really dont like what I see.
 And thats why I react badly to compliments because I cannot believe
that anyone could say and really mean nice things to me.
Sometimes I lie awake beacuse I am afraid that I will die in my sleep…and that no one will
find me for days …..and then I remind myself that as a woman that prays I should not even
think that God would allow such a thing to happen.(perhaps)
Sometimes I am so happy that I explode into song, put my best clothes on , hit the club and dance
like no one is watching all night long.

Sometimes I wish that I could bleach,rinse, wring and air my dirty laundry
for all to see in the hope that the world will find me blemish free and blameless.
I have a cache of faces that I wear and display on various social and special occasions.
Sometimes I feel like I could keep going for ever, some times it feels like I can never get enough,
or that it will never end.
Sometimes I talk to my self and I say “self that life so you really should’nt dwell on shit too much this is it live fast, love hard, be happy with what you have got”
And I am, and I do, and I try but only sometimes…………its hard.

19/03/09

They are dropping bombs on school children in Gaza

I don not know much about Hamas, Palestine or Israel

But I know suffering when I see it!

I see a young mother on the news,

Rocking her lifeless son in her arms looking dazed and confused like

She just cannot believe it!

And what is even more messed up is,

Across border lines, across enemy lines bombs from Palestine

fall on Israeli families whilst they sleep.

I have seen it in the news!

A disheveled young boy cries at the funeral of his dead older brother,

Holds the hand of his mother and looks down at the bloodied, broken body that is

Laying at his feet and shakes his head.

He looks like the wants to bend over and pick him up,

To clean him up, to WAKE HIM UP and maybe just talk to him.

But in Islam martyrs are buried in the clothes they die in,

So he will say good bye to this world in his bloody and dirty clothes.

I  do not know much about Hamas, Palestine or Israel,

but I know suffering when I see it.

I have seen it in the news

Protest marches along London streets by people burning with rage on a

Frosty winters morning. Insenced by the injustices of it all

Stockinged feet standing outside downing street  and the angry hoards

Proceed to remove and throw their shoes.

They throw their shoes as an act of defiance over Gaza,

One of the largest concentration camps in the world,

One and a half million people living in unimaginable conditions,

There is hunger is Gaza, the hospitals are teeming with the injured and dying

The hallways echo with the sounds of moaning and crying

And there are blockades that stop aid from reaching the helpless

I  do not know much about Hamas, Palestine or Israel,

but I know suffering when I see it and I don’t need to be there to tell you that this stinks.

World leaders pontificate about the situation but no one is offering a valid solution

And the world watches – we watch it in the news

Mothers bury sons. Men, women and children carrying guns and home made bombs

An extreme way to get across their views.

And all I can see is death that glides on black wings, across border lines

And claims lives both Arab lives and the lives of Jews.

And I see protesters in London throwing shoes, children in Gaza running the street with

Bare feet pounding the streets and empty bellies rumbling like echos of gunfire due to lack of food

They fight for their right to life, they fight for the wailing wall they fight for those who died

They fight and refuse to fall.

I  do not know much about Hamas, Palestine or Israel,

but I know suffering when I see it.  And I see it all – I see it in the news.

 Jenezh 06/01/2009

I am lost

I have lost all sense of direction

I do not know where I am

I do not know where I stand

I am not even sure I know who I am any more

I do not know where to go from here – because you were my North

I drift in this perpetual state of disorientation because nothing is the same anymore

I stare vacantly into the eyes of strangers, wondering if they can tell me how

To get to the place where lost love and lovers go.

Nothing feels the same anymore.

I prayed implicitly 3 times a day, once for you, once for me and once for my lost sanity

I prayed that god would have mercy on me and allow me to feel his peace and serenity

Give me a sense of certainty , that this would turn out alright!

I sat alone in my bed at night wishing on stars, hoping that one would shine brighter than the others

And lead me to you.

I still reach out for you in my sleep, even though the place you used to occupy has long been vacant

I shy away from people that we knew as I feel exposed and naked

My tears run south down my cheeks, infinite tears which flowed for weeks

I cried and cried and cried an out pouring of the pain I felt inside and I tried to wade through the agony to get to you

But my tears , my tears held me back as they flowed south and I was caught up in an emotional rip tide

And I was carried away further from you – my North

My North although we are poles apart ,

When I looked at you and said I do your name became engraved on my heart

I do not know when or how to stop or when to start moving in my own direction

Mapping out my own journey, exploring and rediscovering me, my North

You had had a choice my North and did not chose me

And the winds of time will echo my calls infinitely

And if one day you call out too I am not sure that your calls will find me

I don’t know where I will be

I don’t know where I will go from here …because you were my North.

23/12/08

I sometimes smirk at the thought of me becoming a mum.
I still feel so young! I love you so deeply already.
And I would die in order for you to live to draw breath.
I feel like I already know you even though we havn’t
Been formally introduced yet.
I Know its not always going to be easy, me being alone
Having brought nothing but disgrace.
But joy that your existence has brought me already
Can never be replaced.
You were conceived in the cover of darkness but sometimes
Stars need darkness for the world to be blessed by their light.
And you will be born into a love so pure, because I will love
You with all my might.
I will do my best to do right by you,
I know I may not  always do things right.
But I know in the shadows of my life
You will bring me light.

I propose….

Can we spark up a conversation so that I can wrap my mental lips

Around your words and, inhale, and allow them to blow my mind.

Can I ignite your imagination with talk of my burning desire to find

One in a similar frame of mind who will stoke the fire of passion that is

Dwindling within, and blow afar the ashes of the past and fan anew

The embers of my spirit until they spit and smoke until the cynic inside me

Begins to choke that she may laugh scornfully no more

I know its unlady like but I want to take big swigs of your words as if they were gin.

And allow them to swirl around my subconscious. I find your words……

Intoxicating and in my inebriated state I want their meaning to begin to seep into my core.

I will use the unassuming ernest side of my mind and close my eyes as you begin to speak

Your charismatic words and teach and preach to me the long converted.

And when words fail just hold me tight and inhale the smells of my body and the

Other smells that will always belong only to tonight.

Co-co butter, hair lotion and perfume wafting into your nose with the incense that’s

Smouldering in this room,

And when you exhale I will run my fingers through your hair and rub your back until

I feel the tension you feel start to disappear.

As we sit and stare at our inanimate cigarettes lying prostate as if in reverence of this moment.

We watch as hyperactive cigarette smoke appears to leap up and rejoice and dance for us

Billowing and twirling and doing pirouettes in the
midnight air.

We sit and stare and steal glances of each other as we watch the performance in appreciative silence

Until the cigarettes burn out-BRAVO!!

Then you raise a glass - a toast to the future and to a long forgotten past.

A clink of glass and we both drink fast for our mouthes have other things to do and other places they

Would rather be tonight-Me wondering what you are thinking watching you drinking as your eyes

Bright in the candle light taking sips of me.

As I am smoking and drinking my lover, whilst he smokes and drinks with me

JJ 140606

I  Do not speak.

I do not say anything

For I fear that were I to even part my lips

More of me will escape

And my words will be something else that you can take from me.

I will not allow my tongue to rise up against you

For like a dam it keep as at bay the angry hurtful truthful things I would like to say

And the fury that I feel inside will rise and flow and glide from my core and if I let it out,

Then I would have just given you a little bit more, of me

My lips shall no more quiver in anticipation or rise and fall

In frowns or smiles.

My lips shall no longer form vowels and consonants

And caress my teeth as I speak, and teach

These lips shall no longer rise up to meet yours

I will not allow my jaws to even open

For my lips are the guardians but they are the doors

And the lock away the words yet spoken

I will not allow your ears to receive the undulating tones of my voice

I do not speak because if I had a choice I would shriek and weep

So instead my silent cries resonate in my head

If I spoke my mouth would spit out my words like rounds of lead

And the words- like lead the words would be cold harsh toxic

Heavy. They would shoot straight from my heart into your head

I would squeeze the trigger of my soul and let the words go

I would aim them straight into your blood

In the hope that my word would kick start that  small part of you that once connected with me

You and I soldiers in a bloody war and as my words hit their mark your would scream

Till your throat was raw and sore

My words would make you my prisoner war , I would make you listen to me until my

Words penetrated your shell of indifference and make you admit that what you did

Was beyond bullshit, and my words would force you to be honest with ………yourself

But I don’t and I wont speak

I do not say anything which is why I can no longer look you

In the eyes.  For my eyes are weak and the will betray me by the tears which still threaten

To flow. Even when I do not wish to speak – they cry out a language that you and I know

And that is why when I see you I bite my tongue clench my jaws, purse my lips,

 look down and do not, should not, cannot speak.

Written by jenezh 15/12/08

 

If I had an aura
I imagine it would be multiple shades of blue
Blue like the ocean
Blue like my mouse mat
Blue like the African sky that I gazed at for hours and thought of you.
 21/03/08

I, arid dry open dessert terrain
You appeared like a flash flood
Devastated destroyed and disappeared again
This was not what I had in mind when I prayed for rain
 

24/03/08