Daughter of Eve

Sorry for starting with such a controversial and loaded question but I have been doing something thinking and I am curious.  Not about the anatomical structure but I have been watching the news and I have realised that a lot of the troubles in the world are down to some pussy.

I was watching a comedienne on a show recently and she pointed out that someone somewhere is languishing in prison because they murdered/maimed somebody because of a woman or should I say because of some pussy.  Now what kind of  pussy is that?  Some woman somewhere has “stuff” that is soooooooooooooooooooooo good that people would even KILL for it?  Mine is definitely not  this type ..guys may have shoved each other a bit in a club over my shit my definitely never this!

Baby come back  - ( Addictive  Pussy)

I was speaking to a friend recently who has broken up with her man for the third time in just as many years and each time the brother comes back.  Not only does he come back after being dumped repeatedly but he has sworn his undying love and has said that he would do whatever it takes to make her happy.  Now this guy is the epitome of a good man.  He makes really good money, he is goal orientated and career driven , he loves his family and is respectful and kind, he worships the ground that she walks on.  They have their issues and she has her reasons for ending it but she also has what I call the addictive pussy.

You are MINE! - ( Possessive Pussy)

Then there is possessive pussy.  That is the type that causes fist fights in bars, late night drive-by’s , phone calls to check on where you are at all times of the day. Abusive if I cant have you no one will pussy. , I hate all your friends they are all jealous heifers that want to corrupt you and break us up pussy…. That is the pussy that attracts some hardcore jealous crazy I will bust the windows out of  your car type shit.

Sob story/ shifty - ( also known as loser pussy)

Mine probably fits in this category, this type seems to attract DRAMA, married/old/psycho /deadbeat men seem to find this pussy irrisitable.  it’s the type of pussy that should come with a warning from the Surgeon General.  I seem to be an old man magnet! I like my men a little older but dang a 50 year age gap is not an age gap its damn near paedophelia!! I actually was propositioned last night and I am still stunned, had I been wearing some body hugging, boob exposing , leg showing outfit with killer heels I would not have been surprised but I was in a long ass denim skirt and a t shirt.  I would class a majority of my exes in this category and  I know a fair few girls that seem to have the same kind of pussy as me.

I put a spell on you - ( the voodo pussy)

This is the type of pussy that seems to attract  those brothers that you just cant get out of your system.  He will do some crazy shit like not call you for 2 weeks even though he is your “man” he wont go out with any of your friends, he doesn’t really seem to pay much attention to you until he wants you in the sack and even then he probably wont spend the night.  I call this voodo pussy because you just cant seem to help yourself even though you know that you are not being treated right and are in a  generally fucked up situation.. You will avail yourself at the drop of a hat or should I say text message and you know deep down that it will never go anywhere

I am sure that there are plenty of other categories in fact I would love to hear your suggestions.  My mind is probably warped for even coming up with this shit but seriously even when I think back to my high school days, boys stole cars/borrowed money from friends to take girls out/borrowed clothes/ faked illnesses/ snuck out of school all in the hope of getting some pussy…man even great men have fallen because of it…so ladies humor me - what kind of pussy do you have?

 

I have been thinking lately about my life ..more specifically my love life. My trip to
New York really opened my eyes!  The first thing that I realized about myself is that I am a good girl .  Honestly I was secretly hoping that my inner ho would manifest and I would have a random passionate holiday fling where I would romp around in wild abandon with some fine young man who would make muscles I long forgot about ache!!

 

But alas no- I was good, there was no snogging or groping and definitely no Vitamin S….which brings me back to the point that I am a good girl! I was thinking about my holiday and a small voice inside my head was whispering “why not! Why wait ? what are you waiting for?”  The answer is I don’t know.  I split up with Voldemort 15 months ago now and since then I have been celibate *shudders*

There I said it!! Its not that the opportunity has not presented its self. Its just that deep down inside I don’t think that I cant bring my self to bump uglies with someone I am not in a relationship with.  I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing – I do think though that sometimes, I over analyze things and this inhibits me from living a little.

 

I was trying to explain my desire to break free to my girl friends this weekend and all I got was suspicious and semi reproachful looks when I announced that I am thinking about getting a “friend with benefits”

More crudely known as a shag buddy.  I figure why wait?  I am bored and sometimes I am lonely and this would be a great solution to my current dilemma.  It’s like having all the benefits of a boyfriend minus the crap.

I mean everyone tells you to be good, have faith, that love will come when you are not looking for it, it will come in time blah blah blah.

 

If love comes when you are not looking I won’t have a problem then because I definitely won’t be looking around. I will have other things to focus on.  Also, what am I waiting for exactly?  I have dated, I have been married, I am in the middle of a divorce, heck I have pretty much done the full circuit and I am gearing up for round 2!  I love the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship – but seeing as it looks like its going to be a loooooooooooong time before that happens – why not have some fun with it?  I do realize that having a “friend with benefits” can be tricky – I have done it once before *I am a very good girl ..except when I am very bad * the last time I did it we ended up being together for 2 years ..which sounds like a relationship right?  WRONG! The difference between what we had and a relationship is that we were never really emotionally attached, he was convenient, cute, sexy, older.  I was young , stupid and also our little set up worked for him too as he always had somewhere stress free to come for food, drink and more.  I knew it was time to call it a day when I started coming home to find him chilling on my couch, playing my play station eating my food and once the brother had the nerve to ask me if he could borrow some money – I said no and realized that he had to go!!  I have said in previous posts I am a sucker for a brother with a sob story and so I was taken in by his whole “I am a good person that has been dealt a bad hand by life, trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents crap” whilst I acknowledge that life can be tough and cruel, unkind and all that jazz.  I am tired of men that talk about it – if you want to change your situation be about it and do something! Work 2 jobs! Quit whining and get on with it!

 

I used to have a few male friends that could be potential “friends with benefits” You know the type, guys who you flirt with but are not really boyfriend material because they are commitment phobes, have a dodgy accents, live too far away to be useful etc  I would never mess around with someone who is in a relationship or married and to be honest I don’t know any guys that I would hook up with in that way at the moment.  I do know that if I ever went there again, it would need to be on my terms (as usual) so that I don’t feel like I am someones booty call, I would need to prepare myself mentally (so I don’t become attached and have the strength and wisdom to pull back when I do)  I would need to prepare myself physically (coz that shit needs stamina LMAO!!)

 

On the real though, I am all talk ….i am waaay too scared of getting coughs and colds and sneezes and dangerous diseases!! If there is one thing I learnt about my “friend with benefits” experience its that I came out GRATEFUL for my health, I was messing with him but only god knows who else he was messing with.  It’s a dangerous game, all it takes is one accident and voila as if by magic you get a big dose of HIV!! I had an AIDS test a few years ago – before I got married and it was the scariest thing that I have ever done, remember feeling so sick with worry that I literally started crying.  For those that have not experienced it ..

 

You go into a room with the nurse/doctor who does the test.  They start by asking you how many people you have bumped uglies with, where they were from (what country) , when the last encounter was etc Then they give you a chat about the virus and about how it is not an automatic death sentence and about how you can still live a healthy happy life, then they jab you in the finger and put a few drops of your blood on a thing that looks like a pregnancy test.  Then you wait……………………it’s the wait that gets you……………………..i thought long and hard about my family, my life everything…….when I finally got a negative result I could have kissed the nurse and I literally jumped with joy.  I have not been with very many people and even then I have been careful but there is always the once….there is always the small chance that you got it….there is always that one dude that was always a little too much of a good time boy!  I gained some perspective that day,

 

I would love to flip from being a “housewife to ho” but to be honest – I know that if I did …..my conscience would never let me sleep

Ok so my date was a disaster of biblical proportions LOL typical …..

It was going swimmingly until…………………………he revealed his criminal past !! Lets just say he did something for 7 years that resulted in him being imprisoned for 5 years of which he served 2 and a half!

Geez I sure know how to pick em!! He actually said that the night we met was his first night out and about on the town post his release- no wonder he was all over me ini zvangu ini!!

Did I freak out ? No! in fact I was intrigued – I actually liked the fact that he was so candid and honest about his past we talked a lot about of stuff life, kids, families, divorce etc it was like a breath of fresh air.  He seems to have done a lot of soul searching as well as doing some courses via the open university in jail and so he seems to be “reloaded” and ready to get on with the rest of his life.

I know its bad but despite all the jail stuff part of me was still thinking “ he seems to be trying…I would still maybe give him a chance……I wonder if he is going to try snog me……god please can he try snog me LOL”  All this was before he unleashed the piece de resistance- he has been trying to date in the sense of going out and meeting new people and the Saturday before our date he went on a date with someone and ended up shagging her!! F*ck me talk about an OVERSHARE

 

THAT little piece of info totally killed it for me !! I mean what the fuck!! Any way he is on this whole knowing yourself tip blah blah he was a bit too Iyanla Vazant  for me so suffice it to say that s totally over …I don’t

Know what it is about me and the men I choose asi zvakaoma. J

I am lost

I have lost all sense of direction

I do not know where I am

I do not know where I stand

I am not even sure I know who I am any more

I do not know where to go from here – because you were my North

 

I drift in this perpetual state of disorientation because nothing is the same anymore

I stare vacantly into the eyes of strangers, wondering if they can tell me how

To get to the place where lost love and lovers go.

Nothing feels the same anymore.

I prayed implicitly 3 times a day, once for you, once for me and once for my lost sanity

I prayed that god would have mercy on me and allow me to feel his peace and serenity

Give me a sense of certainty , that this would turn out alright!

I sat alone in my bed at night wishing on stars, hoping that one would shine brighter than the others

And lead me to you.

I still reach out for you in my sleep, even though the place you used to occupy has long been vacant

I shy away from people that we knew as I feel exposed and naked

My tears run south down my cheeks, infinite tears which flowed for weeks

I cried and cried and cried an out pouring of the pain I felt inside and I tried to wade through the agony to get to you

But my tears , my tears held me back as they flowed south and I was caught up in an emotional rip tide

And I was carried away further from you – my North

 

My North although we are poles apart ,

When I looked at you and said I do your name became engraved on my heart

I do not know when or how to stop or when to start moving in my own direction

Mapping out my own journey, exploring and rediscovering me, my North

You had had a choice my North and did not chose me

And the winds of time will echo my calls infinitely

And if one day you call out too I am not sure that your calls will find me

I don’t know where I will be

I don’t know where I will go from here …because you were my North.

 

23/12/08

 

I propose….

 

Can we spark up a conversation so that I can wrap my mental lips

Around your words and, inhale, and allow them to blow my mind.

Can I ignite your imagination with talk of my burning desire to find

One in a similar frame of mind who will stoke the fire of passion that is

Dwindling within, and blow afar the ashes of the past and fan anew

The embers of my spirit until they spit and smoke until the cynic inside me

Begins to choke that she may laugh scornfully no more

 

 

I know its unlady like but I want to take big swigs of your words as if they were gin.

And allow them to swirl around my subconscious. I find your words……

Intoxicating and in my inebriated state I want their meaning to begin to seep into my core.

I will use the unassuming ernest side of my mind and close my eyes as you begin to speak

Your charismatic words and teach and preach to me the long converted.

 

And when words fail just hold me tight and inhale the smells of my body and the

Other smells that will always belong only to tonight.

Co-co butter, hair lotion and perfume wafting into your nose with the incense that’s

Smouldering in this room,

And when you exhale I will run my fingers through your hair and rub your back until

I feel the tension you feel start to disappear.

 

As we sit and stare at our inanimate cigarettes lying prostate as if in reverence of this moment.

We watch as hyperactive cigarette smoke appears to leap up and rejoice and dance for us

Billowing and twirling and doing pirouettes in the
midnight air.

We sit and stare and steal glances of each other as we watch the performance in appreciative silence

Until the cigarettes burn out-BRAVO!!

Then you raise a glass - a toast to the future and to a long forgotten past.

A clink of glass and we both drink fast for our mouthes have other things to do and other places they

Would rather be tonight-Me wondering what you are thinking watching you drinking as your eyes

Bright in the candle light taking sips of me.

 

As I am smoking and drinking my lover, whilst he smokes and drinks with me

 

JJ 140606

It still hurts every time i see him.  I must be the dumbest chick alive after all the crap he put me through I still find myself wondering if he is eating ok, if he is happy, if he is comfortable where he is, if  he is ok mentally and spiritually - he looked kinda stressed the last time I saw him and its mad to think that i care so much for one who cared so little for me.   I also dont know what he is playing  at as he seems to always leave something here, some other reason to come back, apparently he still has pics of us on Facebook and also on Flkr. 

Even with all his imperfections
I found him to be perfect
And with all the confusion swirling inside me
I still find myself floored

I guess I secretly miss the phreak……..

So this is it - today is the day and i must confess I am scared shitless.  Scared of what may go down scared that my calm exterior will slip and the crazy chic inside of me will manifest. Scared of my emotions because they are so volatile.  I am kind of looking forward to it though.  Maybe after tonight i can finally get some sleep. My nerves have been better today - I no loger feel the waves of nausea that gripped me.  I keep praying that god will keep me in check and that I can keep my head up.

Lord Jesus give me strength