Daughter of Eve

Woke up today in what can only be described a s funk……………mmmm events of recent weeks have really thrown my emotions in turmoil.  Soo much has happened so I guess its easier for me to list everything in bullet points:

• Mcsuit is officially history - I did not like the way his shady ass went AWOL and the reappeared and was trying to hit me with the whole hey lets have a drink blah blah don’t be afraid to be brilliant so that those around you may be inspired and will not be afraid to be reflection of you!!- Honestly what a load of bollocks!! I think artistic and creative men are sexy but dang they sure do talk a good game and when it comes down to it say a whole load of NOTHING.
• My aunt has met a man and is in love with a guy I have known for most of my life - I think its sweet as they are sooo smitten with each other and it seems really serious - she may be getting hitched THIS YEAR!! Boy they are right when they say that you never know when cupid will hit - it could not happen to two nicer people
• I conquered my fear and performed at a charity event for Zimbabwe - it was VERY well received and I am feeling much more positive about performing - intend to do more in March after my holiday
• I am going to New York - god loves me and has made it possible and I will be staying at Dadi’s house for 10 wonderful days, I have been working like a demon to finance this and I am glad that its all come together- I need to get out of this town and get away from all things familiar for a while.I am really stoked!!
• TU is back on track even though we had to fire this guy that we hired! He did not even last a month.
• My Maxwell obsession is showing no signs of abating
• I fell off the diet wagon and cant seem to climb back up.
• I went wedding sari shopping with DElicious and realized how secretly gutted I am that I never got to buy a dress of my own for my wedding ( I guess its a sign of how much of a farce the whole thing was)
• Tadadelicious is steaming ahead with her wedding plans and its shaping up to be a good day.I realized that although I am a bit down… I am soooo happy for my friends- they deserve nothing but good things.
• I thank god for DElicious coz I know she is a true friend and we get on like a house on fire!
• I have made a few new friends recently and I am happy coz my social network is expanding
• I unsubscribed from Match coz I was getting too many pervy e-mails - the final straw was from a guy who said he like my profile coz I have big boobs!
• I realized that I am long way from being healed and that the ex still haunts my sub conscious - I dreamt about him and her yesterday - I was in group counseling and was surrounded by my family including my cousin Lyndon and I remember saying to the counselor that I have just come to accept that they are together but I remember saying over and over that I was struggling to get past the anger - I remember asking HOW to get past the anger
• I realized today that part of me misses her … she was my friend for 14 years of my life…………….and now she shares a bed with my husband
• I realized that I still feel bitter because they are doing their couply thang and I am struggling to meet someone because I don’t think I can trust anyone again ..I feel bitter coz they carry on like all is well but most people don’t know that he is married.  I feel sick because he never respected me and has made me his dirty little secret.
• I am frustrated because he said he would help me and does not seem to be living up to his end of the bargain and that scares me!
• I realized that I have a lot of stuff that is obviously stewing somewhere below the surface or maybe not so below the surface
• But after all of that is said and done …I realize that I am stronger than I give my self credit for
• I know that I am a good person and I am glad that I am hurting coz it shows that I am human and it shows that iam allowing my emotions to surface and am dealing with them as they come and go
• I have known for a while ……I am totally in love with my Nephew- my eyes light up when I see him and when he smiles everything is ok
• I AM BROODY …..gosh I really really want a baby ………I had this realization that there really are no guarantees, you can be married and have a baby and he could leave you! You can be dating and have a baby and he may stay with you for life - everything in life is a gamble.  The next person I meet who I feel loves me and is serious about starting a family I will definitately go for it…not that I am going to get preggers with a random but day dreams of pearl white wedding gowns, long veils billowing in the wind and wedding cake have been consigned to the past…this is the real world and the reality is I may never have that!
• I have a date ya’ll !!!! McPicnic said yes and so this Thursday its ON!! I am sooooooo nervous I have been freaking out about EVERYTHING like what if he likes me and we go out, could I ever sleep with him? What will I do if he tries to kiss me ! Will I ever be able to stand naked (confidently ) before a man again.  It took me months literally with the ex and even then I still had issues. What if he does not like me ? What if I don’t like him? What will I do if I have to play step mommy with his kid ? He is sexy ……what is a sexy man like that want with me? Apparently a woman is meant to play hard to get? what if he stands me up, I know I come across as confident but what if he sees all these insecurities and is put off.  How do I explain that on paper I am another mans wife.
• I dunno really its exciting and he is older ……..I am feeling the older men these days they are just sooooooooooo confidant ………..Mc Picnic is quite tactile which is nice but a bit scary - I am not used to a guy looking at me and reacting to me like I have Kryptonite in my ass LOL

It still hurts every time i see him.  I must be the dumbest chick alive after all the crap he put me through I still find myself wondering if he is eating ok, if he is happy, if he is comfortable where he is, if  he is ok mentally and spiritually - he looked kinda stressed the last time I saw him and its mad to think that i care so much for one who cared so little for me.   I also dont know what he is playing  at as he seems to always leave something here, some other reason to come back, apparently he still has pics of us on Facebook and also on Flkr. 

Even with all his imperfections
I found him to be perfect
And with all the confusion swirling inside me
I still find myself floored

I guess I secretly miss the phreak……..

Wow i have been listening to last.fm these past few weeks and have stumbled on a real gem by the name of KEM - that was not deliberate by the way!!

I love his whole vybe, his music is so REAL I particularly enjoyed his song entitled I can’t stop loving you :
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=rkWR_4wnbus&feature=related

It’s funny …..one of the ex’s online personas is incomplete stranger- this songs speaks of meeting the perfect stranger and it sums shit up so well.

This is MY JAM - this is probably not the best thing to listen to an a cold lonely winters evening where i am sitting at home reminiscing and listening to slow jams.
That combined with the fact that i am seeing the ex tomorrow is just NOT healthy.

Kems song really struck a chord in me - its so full of regret and its just so true how quickly things change eh?  My aunt posted some pics from the Wales holiday on facebook and that took me back a bit.  Those were the last pics i was expecting to see.  That was such a lovely time.

I guess i just need to make new memories but i kinda am panicking - it was almost 3 years between my last boyf and the X.  In 3 years i will be 29 nearly 30 and the thought of not meeting anyone for a while gives me palpitations I guess its because for a minute there i actually envisaged starting a family of my own
in a way i feel like i have not only lost a husband but i have lost a family as well.  I guess that sounds crazy right?

Also i have lost 4 kilo’s in 2 weeks and am pretty chuffed - things were getting out of hand.  Its not really because i want too be healthy. Its because i want to wear tight, sexy youthful clothing, i want to feel desirable again, i want guys to look at me! I want to get chatted up by young good looking men as opposed to geriatric Jamaican men. I want to be treated well.  I want to feel appreciated, I WANT TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL. I guess i want someone to look at me and feel lucky to have me, i want someone to actually care about how my day was, to care about my feelings and to act with decency and honour. I am not sure about wanting love but I want to just get on with it.  Whatever IT is …hameno shuwa life is weird. Emotional roller coaster for sure.