Daughter of Eve

So it has been ages since I updated my blog. I have been so ridiculously busy that I have had very little time to do much of anything. So much has happened but the thing that has been weighing on my mind is MEN or should I say the lack thereof!

I have been speaking to several friends recently who have been complaining about getting too much “loving” from their men. In fact my friend Goldens’ man is so horny that she has had to sleep in a semi sitting up position so he could not get to her “goodies” - we spent an hour on the phone talking about the steps she has had to take to guard her own ass because her new man is a 5 rounds-a -night kind of brother.

Another friend is quite smug at the fact that her hubby has just had his appendix removed and cant do any “strenuous excersize” for 4 weeks.  And my friend Crazy legs can’t even bake these days as a few weeks ago she was bending over to get some muffins out of the oven and her man “pounced”

Now with everyone complaining about getting an “overdose” of Vitamin S I seem to be the only one in my crew suffering from a serious deficiency. In fact I have been on drought for so long that my mates are threatening to send a letter to the Hague to beg the UN to send “food aid”
Seriously, things are dire and now I am starting to regret not hooking up with Mcfraud for a little bit.
The problem with that idea is that my withdrawal symptoms would have been even worse!! Think crack head fresh out of rehab being given a little hit of coke!

 I had to go cold turkey when hubby absconded and that was hard but was made easier by the fact that just the thought of him made me want to puke. Now I am at a any dude will do phase which is NOT GOOD.

I have started seriously looking at men in such a fucked up way and instead of looking at their faces my eyes keep trailing south …and I mean way south- have MERCY!
I watched Twilight the other night and found myself day dreaming about the lead actor Robert Pattinson who is totally not even my type.

All I am saying is people shouldn’t have naked flames near me because I will definitely go up in flames  like a pylon of  timber.

I have started to focus my “energy” on something more productive and so I am on a very strict diet.  I have stuck with it for 2 weeks so far and have lost almost 8kg’s which is not bad in my books.  Voldemort and I are nearly through and will start formal divorce proceedings  in about 8 weeks.  My friends are planning the BIGGEST divorce party ever ! We are calling it the Emancipation party and are going to go buck wild!!

Before I go I have a random question for y’all……I was recently invited to a “big girls only” night and I don’t know whether to be offended or not! I mean yeah I have plenty of junk in my trunk but I think it’s a bit fetishy- what think you??

Ok so I lied.  I have had THE MOST stressful week at work and I have been looking for ways to destress, especially this weekend.  The holidays are always a bit weird because unlike the weekend everyone and everything winds down. My week started in pretty much the same way  that it has been starting for the last month- hard and fast.   I am working on what’s probably the toughest project of my career with the toughest client.  Lets just say French people don’t hold back when they are not happy. Unfortunately there are a lot of things that the client is unhappy about and the penalties associated are harsh! I am finishing work at unspeakable hours and am working weekends, holidays you name it - add to that the fact that I have had to make a formal complaint to HR about a colleague and voila! The ideal recipie for “crash and burn” pie.  I feel like a junkie or something, I feel strung out and I have been functioning on adrenaline and virtually no sleep. I have even taken to drinking coffee which I used to find quite disgusting and my body is generally freaking out!!

So I decided to do something exotic this weekend and jet off on a weekend trip.  My bank balance is still recovering from New York last month and I need money for legal fees for my divorce. Then there is the issue of savings ….I decided to try look for a cheap deal.  I couldn’t find anything interesting for less than £500 and I am stressed not crazy so I settled on some pampering instead. I was looking for somewhere near work to have some spa treatments and De licious found somewhere 5 mins away from the office and booked me in.  I was actually quite happy and was looking forward to it all day.

I got to the Beauty Clinic and sat with the masseuse for  a consultation she asked me some basic questions about  why I wanted the massage (stress) what the triggers are (life) and then she gave me some tips on small things that I can do to make myself feel better(deep breaths and water)

The whole thing was uncomfortable and relaxing at the same time if that is even possible.  Uncomfortable because when she asked me what the triggers were I couldn’t actually open up and be honest with her.  I wish that the real reasons could roll off my tongue in a flippant and blasé manner, I wish that I could have turned to her and said  confidently “actually ..my husband abandoned me just over a year ago. Some days I feel like I have gotten over it on other days I lie awake thinking about how someone I loved more than anything in this world could be so vindictive and spiteful.  Some days I feel like if he could kill me or do something that would permanantely blot me from his memory / life he would. But he can’t so his guilt and shame make him try do things that will hurt me thus drive me further away from all all our old friends and our old life together.  But also away from this new life and identity he has created for himself. I only ever celebrated his successes and tried to encourage him to do better by his family and for himself but he is envious of mine and seems determined to break me however he can.  I wish that I could have told her that my job - though I love it - is slowly sucking me under and some days I worry that its going to cause me to have a heart attack or something and I will die, an out of shape, over weight,  lonely , nearly divorced workaholic.  I could not say that my yo-yo dieting and comfort eating  frustrate me more than I care to admit.  I could not even start to complain about how I worry about my parents in Zimbabwe, about their health and welfare and this stresses me out more.

So when she asked if there are any factors, physical, emotional or otherwise that cause my stress I inhaled and flashed her my most dazzling smile and in a level and clear voice said “NO” - I lied.  I lied because I felt at the time that I did not want her pitying looks or sympathy. I lied because I know that its all part of her job and the truth would only make shit awkward for both of us.  Once out, its oppressive presence would have filled the room and made the atmosphere tense and a little bit unnerving. I lied because on the outside I am strong, organised, invincible, unstoppable, untiring. hardworking, career driven, goal orientated chipper all round happy go lucky, take it on the chin, good old me! I am from the “shit happens, suck it up tribe”

The massage was relaxing but I spent the first 20 minutes freaking out beacuse I felt so totally exposed as she rubbed lumps, bumps and kinks out of areas that no stranger should see.  I freaked out because on that table I felt extremely aware of my untoned physique and thighs and hips that spread out like warm butter when I lie down.  Then after a point I though ” fuck it” and I closed my eyes and made a concious decision not to give a damn.  And when she asked if everything was ok - I inhaled again and said “YES” even though some of it hurt like hell !!  ha ha ha !

C’est la vie.

So Voldemort called me ……*sigh and roll my eyes* its official, he is emotionally retarded and definitely in cloud kukoo land. He called to say (compressed version) ” I have been looking at options for work and I am thinking of moving to Australia so make a plan for yourself because I am looking to leave”

Uh Uh!! Oh hell no he did’nt - Firstly the  phrase snowballs chance in hell springs to mind LOL
Australia huh…the last time I checked  the immigration laws that side are mad crazy! Secondly I thought you  need MONEY to emigrate? Thirdly make a plan?? N*GGA we are married - we need to get that sorted surely.  He had the nerve to tell me the other day that (because he is broke) he wants ME wo pay for the divorce, his lawyers, my lawyers AND all legal costs??? Now I may be a bit dim sometimes but i sure as hell am not RETARDED?? WTF?? so……..just because his stupid ass walked out on our marriage, left our marital home, went loco, quit his job at the cusp of one of the biggest recessions the world has ever seen, decided to go contracting and has been skint ever since, is messing with a no good troubled toxic ho….some where some how he has had a brilliant brain wave and thought hold on let that stupid woman pay for everything because she has money!?

 LMAO pull the other one mate - I work HARD for what I have and I refuse to clean up the mess that HE hade, he made a rod for his own back and he lost the right to have me fix his fuck ups when he left!  I am off to New York in a week and i intend to shop my ass off BECAUSE I CAN!! I work 3 jobs and its not fun or easy but I do what  I need to do to get to where I want to be.

Anyway the knives are definitely out and where I tried to be dignified and mature about shit, he decided to take it THURR so I told him a few home truths and my lawyers are good to go!!  I have taken too much for too long to continue taking shit ……how nice is too nice?

 

 

 

 So Valentines Day came and went without any major incidents – Phew! Honestly sometimes my life feels like an old r’n’b tune.  Not this modern fluff I mean the days when people sang real music like this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd5c7kdoQBc&feature=related (I actually also really rate the Beyonce version)

Anyway I actually had a good valentines day – good meaning I spent the day in bed recovering from a night out with the girls and then got my butt up and went to work for a night shift at the old fogies home.

 

Last year was a different story – I want to a house party a week before valentines and bumped into a host of people who kept looking behind me expectantly expecting me to be with the EX as usual and then the inevitable torrent of questions came ..How are you? Good to see you! Where is Voldemort? (he who shall not be named I will call him that from now on as the name is a perfect fit for the EX also I don’t do naming and shaming) After gritting my teeth and baring it between making polite conversation and swigging copious bottles of alcohol the inevitable happened…drum roll please..……DRINK
AND DIAL ….bad move!! *visibly shudders*

 

I actually remember pretty much everything I said in fact I think I accused him of trying to kill me “because for this pain is akin with death and for you to inflict this level of pain on me must mean that you want to kill me” LMAO Wow poetic even in inebriation *pats herself on the back* For real though its good that I can laugh about it now- at the time I felt like I was dying, I felt like dying, I used to do the whole spontaneous tears thing which is most inconvenient.  Any way I saw Voldemort on Tuesday at his request ( he always seems to want to see me every 3 months or so) normally it’s for something trivial like his mail etc.  Any way we met up and he does not look/sound like he is in a good place (you make your bed you must lie in it, you reap what you sow, I could go on all day!!) Anyway he was just talking a whole lot of noise and to be honest as he sat opposite me I looked at him and initially was a bit intrigued then repulsed? I put that question mark there because I am not sure if that is too strong a word but my nose is wrinkling even as I type this and I and trying to identify and name what I am feeling.  It was a mixture of pity and disgust – I was also kind of disgusted with myself – I went home thinking what the hell was I thinking?  I wasted 12 months crying and hurting over that?? Damn what a waste of time! I guess its not really wasted time as I needed to go through all the emotions etc to come out sane on the other end he on the other hand is still living in his little bubble of INSANIA and I was actually caught between wanting to laugh and run.  Now I must hasten to add this is such a new thing for me as usually when I see him I feel really low for days after – but I could have literally skipped home – I was happy because it dawned on me that whatever power he still had over me including the power to hurt my feelings had gone TOTALLY.  I felt nothing….woo hoo!  Now I am just looking forward to getting divorced and I think after my emancipation party (my girlfriends are throwing a big one for me) I may just take my behind off to Barbados /Cancun/The Maldives heck anywhere I damn well please because I will be free, I earn my own money, have my own business and I am thriving independently of him ( I am not sure he can say the same)  I am off to Paris this weekend for a few days (business) then off to New York 3 days after I get back (PLEASURE) and Estelle said “I’m liking those American Boys”

 

Anyway I wrote this- I guess this is what I would say if I saw her. …“her” being the chick that I was mates with for half of my life until she and Voldemort decided to bump uglies and become an item *wretches then pukes* its untitled so holler if you have any suggestions.

 

I hide in the secrets that you keep from each other

I am the niggling insecurities that swirl around in your head

I live in the space between your bodies at night in your bed

I scream in the unspoken words you fear to speak,

I rejoice in that fear because I am strong and you are weak

I am that pang in your belly when you feel uneasy about your relationship.

And I am the vessel from which he feeds you his sugar coated bullshit.

 

Everytime he touches you, know that he is doing to you what

He has already done to me.

Everytime you look at his hands know that the fourth digit

Of his left hand is where his wedding ring should be.

Know that he proposed to me, He married me and remember

That there are two sides to every story.

And as you sigh and smile in your post colital glory know that you are just another

Speed bump in his lifes story you are not the beginning or his end.

You are not his wife – you are just the skank who used to be his wifes friend

There is no honour in your actions and no matter how hard you may lie or try to justify this shit

Know that it still stinks and will always stick to you.

.

 

Remember ….I wept when I heard the news about the death of your mother

I was there for you through the death of your father and brother.

I know you and your whole lifes story.

I looked after you when your own relatives were not bothered about your upkeep.

So tell me …how do you manage to sleep and night, as you creep at night with a man who is married to me?

 

You deserve each other, two emotionally barren morally corrupt promiscuous people

Pretending to be something they are not.  Remember that there are a host of people

That know the truth even though you have a new circle of friends and try hide the truth that you have both conveniently fogot.

Both products of a dysfunctional childhood that is marred and scarred by your parents promiscuity

You are both products and the victims of that and I refuse to let you make a victim of me.

You see life goes on and I have the love and support of my real friends and family.

And although my ego is bruised I chose to clothe myself in dignity.

As you skulk around in the shadows pretending to the world that everything is alright

Know that everything done in the dark will one day come to light.

 

When you need to hurt other people to get what you think you want

Know that the shame will always haunt you as you continue to pretend it does’nt faze you

But you cant deny the truth and the your shame will keep you in captivity

And if you look into each other eyes deeply and stop seeing only what you want to see

There you will see me

 

16/02/09